Cruel Twisted Fate
by BecauseSheCan
Summary: His only flaw is loving her. Her greatest stength is loving him. What happens when fate plays a role? Vamp, Au, Prophecies, Written for the twi-25
1. Prologue

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt: _Prologue  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: _T

_Hi y'all So I am taking the oppurtunity with the Twi25 to do something outside my comfort zone. It will be a multi-chapter fic, in diary format. Since it is on a deadline the updates should be almost daily. _

_With love- Rachel_

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_Dear Diary,_

I don't really know why I am starting you… Actually that's a lie. Look at me, why am I lying to you? I mean it's not as if you can judge me right? You're just a damn piece of paper. So I am going to try and be honest, starting with why I am beginning this damn journal of nonsense…

Do you have any ideas how many times I have tried lowering my hand to write these next few words but I can't bring myself to? No, of course you don't, you can't possibly understand how humiliating it is to have to write down anything because you can't write. All you do is listen and here you sit, patiently waiting for me to collect myself to confide in you but I just can't write this, okay. Well here goes nothing- I am beginning you because I have no one else. No one. Jessica Stanley just got a fucking job today, she was my last friend left in this damn town and even she has finally transitioned into being a functional member of society, while I am stuck here back home after being away for four years working my ass off for a degree that can't get me hired. And nothing has changed. Forks, Washington is insulated so well I swear it is impervious to change.

It is suffocating and I am drowning in the constant cloud coverage and every single fucking minute I am haunted by memories of him. HIM! God I am pathetic. I Bella Swan am fucking pathetic, no friends, no job, living at home with an almost mute father (whom I love dearly) and I haven't had a functional relationship since I dated a vampire when I was seventeen. And now I have you diary dearest, you who I am for some unknown reason personifying. I want to give you a name, you know like some crazy car people give their cars names? Do you have an opinion on your name?

Forget I said that, since I am too lazy to erase it, and I really don't want to pull out another sheet of your precious paper. (There is already a mountain in my trash of blank papers). Okay right so your name… I shall call you------Daria. See it's like Diary but not really. I am a sly one. No actually I am quite lame, and I am now trying to convince you to like a name when you CANT LIKE ONE.

So today is January 2, and I know people make New Year's resolutions on new year's eve, but I have been either drunk, hung over, or working. So today I shall make my resolution: This year I will move on from Edward Cullen. I am not still in love with him, well maybe a little, but that's just because he is my first love, and I have been convinced it is perfectly normal for me to not be able to fully let go. But my life is still stuck, and every man I meet I compare to him but who can possibly be better. Even with amazing friends who have attempted to convince me of his lesser qualities (watching me sleep, controlling, possibly wanting to kill me, the isolation he caused between me and my friends) I still think he is the best I will get. They have no idea what it means that a man waited a hundred years for me. That his love for me overcame all his instincts that were screaming in his head to kill me. That I was practically made for him and that ever since I laid eyes on him for the first time something inside me changed. Something deep and elemental that I can't exactly explain changed. All I know is that I loved Edward Cullen with everything I ever was. Everything I ever will be, but I can't keep holding on forever. He left me, and Jake put me back together, until Jake imprinted, and now my friends have kept me sane but it is up to me to put the last missing pieces together. I have to leave the past in the past.

Of course this is easier said than done. As I was complaining about earlier Forks is the smallest town in the world. There are no single men my age here that I don't know, and almost everyone my age has either shacked up or found lives in bigger and better places… I suppose I could always start a secret affair… but then again nothing can stay secret in Forks. Well except that it was once home to a family of vampires, I suppose that stayed secret enough.

But I keep getting off topic and you deserve to know why I started you and what your reason for being is. You are to (since I don't have Jessica) make sure I am not becoming a recluse. I will write in you and record my progress so at least I am responsible to someone. So lucky you, you get to hear all the trials and tribulations that plague the life of perhaps the most awkward girl in the world, and you get to hear about my painful attempts at finding romance. Lucky you right?

Well, you should be glad to hear that I have no current prospects at the moment. My life right now consists of working at the diner. I wake up at four o'clock every morning, and drag my tired ass into the door to open, prepare the coffee, table. An hour and a half later, when customers who were able to sleep later than me (and are able to be perky as they wait for their cup of coffee to brew )begin to come in, I dream that Edward changed me. If not to be with him, then to just not feel tired like this. Not to feel weary down to my bones as if I have been living in this purgatory for existence. Nothing ever changes in my schedule, and I hate being this girl again. In college I was able to be free of the image of Bella Swan jilted girl and just be Bella, somewhat normal, if a bit more depressed than the average teenage girl. And now I am back here and I feel as if I am still waiting for my life to begin, as if I have never left the floor of that forest. And though I survive the day to day, I laugh, I cry, thoughts like this, like wishing he was back here, pop into my head while I watch the brown liquid drip into the mug.

Edward Cullen is never far from my thoughts, and some days it's worse than others.

The rest of the day passes in the same fashion, my life is dictated by the rushes and lulls, the longest lull is from 9:37 (exactly) till around 10:52. During this time I need to re-stock everything, make fresh coffee, and try and prepare all the normal customers take-out, which like everything else in this damn town is always the same. Sometimes me and Jess would sneak out back for a quick smoke (her, not me) and gossip. She would tell me all about Mike's new wife or the adventures she had in college down in California, and her occasional encounters with celebrities (which I am sure she over exaggerated but they are amusing enough). I suppose now that she is gone I won't even have that small luxury to look forward to until we get someone else to take her spot. Long story short I work my ass off until I can drag my ass out of there come home, read, talk, pass out and make Charlie dinner. Then the day repeats.

So do you understand why I still dream of Edward Cullen? He was the only bright life in the constant gray of this small town. My life he lit up like a brilliant explosion and nothing can compare to the life I lived while he was in it. I never felt more alive than when I did when I was with him. Is that sick? Only feeling alive in the presence of the dead? I just wish there was a reason to it, a reason for meeting him, a reason for him leaving, a reason why I can't forget. But maybe that is the cowards' way out, trying to figure out that someone else is determining my life rather than taking responsibilities, anyway I know it's a lot to expect but I have a year to move on. I'm not expecting a miracle overnight.

I think that is all I can say at the moment,

Always,

-Bella


	2. Apathy

**The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt:** Apathy  
**Pen name: **BecauseSheCan  
**Pairing: **Bellax Edward  
**Rating: **T

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**J****anuary 3, 2009**

_Daria,_

Nothing happened today. I wish I can say someone new came in. I wish I can say Jess never got fired and she is back to share the daily grind with me, but I can't. The only thing half-way interesting to happen today was when Bertha fucking dropped the box with coffee grinds on my toe and then proceeded to laugh like a hyena instead of helping me get the box off my foot; never mind that was not interesting. Painful and humiliating, yes, interesting, not so much. I try to be a good person and like everyone but this lady makes me cringe whenever I think about her. Thinking about her is the equivalent of nails being scraped against a blackboard. Her make-up is caked on thick, she always has a smudge of pink lipstick on her front tooth, and she must have dropped out of school when she was ten because the lady does not know how to put together a sentence. Just listening to her makes the English major in me weep. I know I sound like a horrible person, but as you are as an inanimate object please just trust me when I say that you wouldn't like her.

Oh and as for the little mission there is absolutely nothing to report. Not a single new man came into the shop today. Maybe I should re-consider the illicit affair idea?

Bored,

_Bella_.

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**January 4, 2009**

_Daria,_

I had off today. I slept and Charlie went fishing. Sounds exciting right? Sleep, clean, read and to think I once enjoyed it when those were the basics of my life. I just got off the phone with Charlie; he asked if I want to stop over there for a dinner. Apparently the tribe is getting together for a big cookout, and I am so torn. Part of me wants to go; I have fun and there is always laughter and kids and human contact is nice. The other part of me wants to run in the opposite direction. The idea of being surrounded by that many loving couples who are meant for each other will be intolerable. It is much easier to say I am busy and curl up with Pride and Prejudice and lose myself in Austen's world, but that is what the old Bella would do and I am desperately trying my best to be a new and improved Bella.

Daria, I am so torn. I know I should, and I kind of want to, but I just always feel like a failure when I go. It's not that I don't love them, I do, but they are all normal functioning members of society despite the fact they can changed into wolves. And here I am a perfectly normal teenage girl who, while I have improved, still struggles to discuss the damn weather (and let's face it, it never changes). It is times like these that I wish you were real and could tell me what I should do. But if I pretend you are Alice, Jessica or any of my school friends I know what your advice will be.

So I will put on my big girl panties and go to the party, but be prepared for a very whiny Bella entry when I return.

Reluctant,

Bella

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**January 5, 2009**

_Daria,_

Mondays suck. Mondays are even worse when you body was poisoned the night before by a crowd of horrible abusive werewolves. Leah, Jake, Vanessa (Nessie, Jakes imprintee, but that's another story) and I took it upon ourselves to empty Billy of his surplus liquor. Every part of my body aches, and I think it is times like this when I am truly grateful for the lack of sunlight in Forks.

Aside from last night, which just happened to be amazing (mainly because Emily and Leah announced their very good looking, single cousin, without the werewolf gene, is coming to visit next week for a month) today was blah. It seemed to take longer than any other day, my head was pounding, and instead of being a good waitress and pour the coffee into the cups for my loyal patrons all I wanted to do was empty the pot into my throat.

I am going to crash for the night. Charlie can order himself a pizza.

Exhausted,

Bella.

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**January 6, 2009**

_Daria,_

I am about to tell you gossip Jessica would kill for. There seems to be a mystery man in Forks. He is on the younger side of thirty, scraggly blond hair, and apparently British. Bertha waited on him, and so excited by new blood in town she momentarily forgot to be her asinine self and followed me outside for what could be considered by anyone a pleasant gossip exchange. The mystery man, a.k.a Justin Weston is British and he ordered nothing beside coffee and some toast all day. It seems of little promise and we quickly exhaust the amount of things we can infer from his actions and remember that we don't actually talk to one another and quickly retreat back inside.

The rest of the day passed without much excitement. Justin just stayed in the background but his lack of activity did nothing to lessen my curiosity, I wish there was something to report, hopefully he will sit at my table tomorrow, well one can only wish.

Curious,

Bella

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**January 8, 2009**

_Daria,_

Can I confess something to you? I couldn't sleep last night and even you can guess the reason. I barely know him but his face calls to me. I lied when I said there was nothing to report the other day, there was too much but I didn't want to part with the information, as if telling you would lessen the power of the memories, but now I can't keep it to myself. To start off with he has the most intense blue eyes I have ever seen, and the few times I thought I caught him staring at me I stopped breathing. They are intelligent, quick, and sharp; I sometimes wonder if he is not a cop or maybe someone under cover (but what could he possibly be investigating in Forks). The past two days he has brought three books with him, heavy duty cannot be bought at Borders books, they are beautiful and I think the first time I saw them I spent an equal amount of time looking at him and the books. I want to smell them, does that make me odd? Anyway the point with the books is that all he does is read them, sometimes spending an hour on each page, looking back and forth between the book and his large pile of papers (mountain more like). It is obvious he is looking for an answer, but it is the question he is asking that really intrigues me, the focus he has is insane, as if once he answers the question he will solve the mystery of the universe, sometimes I wish I had focus like that. The only thing I ever spent that much time on was Edward, and look where it got me *sigh*.

In other less depressing news Mitch finally hired a new waitress, she's someone's daughter who just moved home, two years ahead of me so our lives have yet to cross paths. So much new blood I wonder what Jess will say when I call her later.

Not quite satisfied.

Bella.

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**January 9, 2009.**

_Daria,_

I apologize in advance but today you will be abused. The new girl, Ashley is the biggest fucking tool in the world, she is more of an inanimate object then you are. I swear if I didn't hear her talk and watch her move I would have sworn that she was a living cadaver. Every single damn thing she did today I had to go back and correct, it would have been easier if she wasn't there at all and I just ran the entire fucking floor. Plus she had the nerve to expect tip! (It's not like she demanded it because that would have taken some emotions) To put matters worse I was so busy running around the diner like a chicken without a head that I had no time to even look at Justin, let alone talk to him! God, I can't. Not right now, maybe when I calm down I will write later but right now I need to go scrub off this layer of skin which is covered in grease and mayonnaise. Oh yeah, the fucking idiot put the fresh macaroni salad on the top shelf in the fucking refrigerator! I walked in there and reached up on my damn tippy toes, but I slipped on some of the oil SHE SPILT AND DIDN'T WIPE UP and, yup you guessed it, the damn fucking tub of macaroni salad spilt on my fucking head.

Going to kill a bitch,

Bella.

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**January 10, 2009.**

_Daria,_

I have never been happier to spend the day with Bertha. Her nasty perfume, snaggle tooth and caked on make-up were almost beautiful when I saw her walk in to the diner today. I almost hugged her. I know, I didn't, but almost! Compared to yesterday today was downright blissful, and I floated across the diner with as much grace as I could manage, taking and filling orders.

Justin wasn't there today, probably scared away by yesterday debacle, but I have thought more on him since my entry on Thursday. When I first met Edward I noticed his eyes, his gorgeous face, his oddities, there wasn't anything that he did that I didn't notice. When I wrote about Justin I was able to dedicate an equal amount of time obsessing over him and obsessing over his books. I barely wrote anything about his appearance except for his eyes, which are undeniable; a blind man can write about his eyes. A part of me wishes that this is a sign of my growing maturity to show the difference between teenage puppy love with Edward and perhaps the beginnings of an adult relationship with Justin, but that part is wrong. I think even my appreciation of his attention to me is just that, appreciation. I enjoy being looked at by men. Well, not by all men, not even by most men, actually I am pretty damn awkward all the time, but a man that is intelligent and handsome, quiet without being presuming, who could not be happy they were able to attract the eyes of such a man?

Sometimes I look at Bertha, Jess, hell even Ashley and I wish I could be like them. Everything seems to roll off their shoulders. If a man leaves them they go and find another. If someone annoys them they go and cool down. They don't take anything to heart. They just don't care. Edward used to refer to our classmates as the apathetic generation and I really can't disagree, I just wish I was one of them. What is it about me that refuses to be so easy going? Why can't I be so easily pleased? Why can't I forget? Why can't I not care? It has been over between us for five years and I can't let him go. I can't forget him. General bits of random conversations haunt my brain. His image is everywhere whenever I walk into town; a half crooked smile, his hair, and his eyes. I couldn't look at a silver Volvo for months after he left and to be honest it still makes my heart clench a little.

Maybe Daria dear, I should try and change my focus. Maybe instead of trying to move on I should just try to care less. My goal for the moment is to try and indulge in a little apathy, and hopefully Edward will let me.

A bit blue,

Bella.

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**_Hi, I hope you are enjoying this! It's my first time writing something of this nature so I'd love to know what you think of it!!!_**

**_And thanks as always to Dolphin4442 for reading and encouraging me and all my crazy ideas_**


	3. Collide

**_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt:_** Collide  
**_Pen name:_** BecauseSheCan  
_**Pairing:**_ BellaXEdward (eventually)  
**_Rating_** T

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**_January 11, 2009_**

_Dear Daria,_

My mood from last night seems to have clouded my day off. I slept in till ten and even then I just couldn't bring myself to leave my bed. I might have baked some cookies and I might have eaten a little too much raw dough. The laundry went fast enough, and I only dusted and vacuumed, the rest of the cleaning can wait till next week. Part of me considered going to the diner to see how Justin would react to me being there as a customer. Many possible reactions have played out in my mind but the most probable is that he barely registers me and I receive knowing glances from Bertha and Mitch.

I think I can stand anything besides knowing glances from Bertha and Mitch. To feel pitied by such tragic figures would surely be the end of my self-respect. Anyway I am going back to my reading; hopefully I will fall asleep soon and have a better Monday than last week.

Melancholy,

Bella.

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_**January 12, 2009.**_

_Dear Daria,_

Have you have had a moment where you could feel the wind changing? Not literally, but in the metaphorical sense. When I woke up this morning the sky was a bloody red color and the old adage (Renee would tell me Red sky at night, sailors delight. Red sky in morning, sailors take warning) echoed through my head, travelling somewhere from the deep recesses of my memory. I felt very self aware for a second, and the wind passed through me. 'This is it' I thought, nothing will be the same. Then it passed but the feeling stayed on the peripheral all day until the two o'clock rush. After two o'clock nothing occupied my mind except the food I was serving. Of course this is when the event had to occur, and event so small I didn't even realize its importance until after it happened.

I bet you're pretty curious huh?

Well, somewhere in the hour I was passing by Justin's table and Ashley (I know, I know, why is she still working here? I can't tell you, one day was enough for me. Maybe she blows Mitch?) knocks me over. I am carrying Mr. Stanley's chicken gyro, Mrs. Stanley's ceaser salad and the extra order of fries one table over and this bitch is walking in her zombie haze and collides into me right in front of Justin's table. Once again Bella Swan is covered in food, only this time the entire establishment had to witness the occurrence. She just stood up and collected the plates, completely nonplussed and muttered a quick sorry. I, of course, sat for a second trying to collect myself before I clumsily try to clean up the mess and wipe the food off of myself when I suddenly see a hand appear before my face. Justin is standing over me and it would be a completely swoon worthy moment if the following event did not occur. I accepted his hand and raised my right hand to which his outstretched hand immediately caught and his fingers circled my wrist. Do you get it yet?

He felt my scar, he felt my ice cold scar from a VAMPIRE bite, and he immediately recognized it. I saw it on his face, that flash of recognition, and I knew that my ominous feelings from this morning were well founded. After I was standing he didn't release my hand, instead he turned it over and placed his lips against my wrist. A chivalrous gesture to all but I knew better. He needed to see it, feeling it was one thing, the cold can always be explained, but seeing those two little marks is a confirmation of whatever he was thinking.

I knew there would never be a man like that in a town like this unless he had something to come for. Of course it seems that I am what he was seeking and I really hate it when Edward is right, I am a like a fucking lighthouse for trouble sending my beacon out into the sea begging all the crazies to come find me.

Tomorrow will be interesting, and it seems as if I might have to turn into Bella Swan secret agent and figure out what is exactly in those old books that hold his secrets.

A little freaked out,

Bella.

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_**January 13, 2009**_

_Daria,_

It turns out that I am not meant to be a secret agent; I am neither sly nor inventive. I think the only person I was able to keep secrets from was Edward, and that will be no use to me right now. Do you want to know who is an amazing secret spy? Justin. That boy, he is all innocent and yes miss, but I see him. Out of the corner of my eye he is watching and talking to the other customers. Sure it LOOKS innocent but I know he is investigating me. I just wish I knew why.

It is obviously something to do with vampires. His recognition of my bite solved that question pretty easily but how is he involved with vampires? Is he friend or foe? And I don't know which would be worse. Would I feel better if he was acting on a vampires behalf or because he wanted to harm the Cullen's? He could easily be some family or relative of one of the Cullen's slips. One of their slips. Listen to me, god as if they fell on the damn floor, just thinking about what this poor man hypothetically went through is making me disgusted with myself. One of their slips, I never really considered their slips before. I easily forgave Edward his past mistakes but what if I am coming face to face with one of his slips beloved? What if the man who I was hoping would help me get over Edward Cullen is a victim of his? How could I have so easily dismissed the importance of human life? Was it really because I was so infatuated with him?

I need to look at those books. I need to know what business he has here and help him get the fuck out because this is not helping my resolution at all. It is not helping me move on and it sure as hell isn't helping me feel less. All I can do now is think about this man, what affect he can have on my life, and just thinking about everything he might have gone through is making me hate the blind ignorant fool I once was.

Maybe a bit too introspective,

Bella.

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_**January 14, 2009**_

_Daria,_

Jess called today! If you would have told me in high school (why is it all I can do lately is compare who I am now with who I was then?) that I would be this excited to hear from her I would have laughed. Actually I probably wouldn't have laughed at all because I didn't laugh at all back then. I might have rolled my eyes. Yes, that's exactly what I would have done; god I was a pretentious bitch back then. Still, life has changed me, for the better I hope, and I am excited about seeing this girl who has abandoned me for bigger and better things. Saturday is her little sister's birthday party and I have the day off, to spend gossiping and catching up. Two activities which still aren't at the top of my fun list, but god I miss human contact with people whose company I enjoy. Besides, she is mighty interested in Forks newest man and a little put off by my short answers. I try to answer her but I really don't know what to say.

Every time I look at him I can't help but feel so many conflicting emotions that it is easier to pretend to ignore them. Pretend, of course, because there is no way I can just stop feeling them, no matter how much I wish I could. He makes the past too real, and with the time that allows the past a little clarity I find I don't much like thinking about the decisions I made. I hate that I was stupid enough to willingly risk my life, I hate that I hurt Charlie, that I abandoned all my friends and that I was willing to risk everything I am for that man, well vampire. But as much as I hate the things I did, I know I would do them exactly the same, I know that if Edward were to walk through the door I would probably go back. I would put up a fight, I would stomp and holler and make him work his ass off but I would take him back. He is a missing part of me, and I wasn't over exaggerating when I said that when I met him I felt something in myself change, my molecules were re-arranged to accommodate him and then never really shifted back. A part of me will always be missing him and before Justin came I could ignore that part, but looking at this man who shares such an intimate secret, I can't deny it any longer.

Anyway, that went really off topic. I am super excited to have Jessica back, even if it is just for the weekend. I have to go, I am getting to make Elizabeth's cake and I have to go draw up some sketches, wish me luck.

Optimistic,

Bella.

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_**January 15, 2009.**_

_Daria,_

Hey so turns out I do not need to be super sneaky at all. Elizabeth came in around right after her classes today to look at sketches. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I was finishing up my lunchtime rush (or ours because fucking Ashley was working today) so she just grabbed a chair at the counter to wait for me. When things finally cooled down I went to go find her and where else would she be but with Justin? She was just sitting there all casual so I took my sketchbook and sat down with them as casual as I could be. Naturally my hands were shaking and I could barley say a word without babbling, but I think I did an okay job trying. I probably didn't; but seeing as you are my journal you need to take my side, so the record will show that I did an amazing job being poise, cool and collected.

And what did I discover while I was being all poise and collected? Nothing really. He is reading the Bhagavad Gita, and the Kathāsaritsāgara I really don't know much about either, but he is reading them in the actual Sanskrit with English translations in books on the chair next to him. Honestly who the hell knows how to read Sanskrit? And who reads both versions; maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he just likes the crazed and bored (trust me it is an apt description of the diner even if it makes no sense) atmosphere of the diner and comes to do some work. Maybe he is a local community college kid who drives forty five minutes to the middle of nowhere to hang out? Not likely but I should try. After all it's not like he has a big book that says Vampyres on the front like in Buffy. Still, I called the library but this being Forks they need to be ordered from a local library. Hopefully I will be able to get them next week. I doubt I will even know where to begin in the books to find what he is so desperately searching for but I will try. Is it just me or does this whole scenario get a little stranger every day?

In other news, Elizabeth loved the cake design so I am excited! Also she managed to make well enough friends with him in the fifteen minutes she was waiting for me to invite Justin to her birthday party. At least maybe now Jess won't want to stalk him all day at the diner if she is going to see him all night at the party.

Not quite sure,

Bella.

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_**January 16, 2009.**_

_Daria,_

JESS IS HERE! She surprised me and showed up at my house right as I was taking the cake out of the oven! Damn fool, I ALMOST dropped it and that would have been a disaster but my amazing quick reflexes (take that Edward) caught the cake right before it fell out of my hands. I cannot tell you how fucking psyched I am. Anyway this needs to be short because: one, nothing happened today; two, Jess is downstairs waiting and I told her I was just coming to get some shot glasses; three, because well even if I had the time to write I couldn't because who the fuck wants to write in a diary when you're in a good mood?

I'll make it up to you,

Bella.

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_**January 17, 2009.**_

_Daria,_

Today is the big day, and while Jessica is still sleeping off the alcohol from last night I just finished putting the last touches on the cake, and let me tell you it is absolutely gorgeous. It is worth me waking up at eight o'clock on my day off (there was no way in hell I would assemble it and frost it last night with alcohol even though Jess thought we could make it 'insane') to frost and cut and carve and piece this together. I also must admit that the seventies theme is no way near as bad as I thought it would be. Then again, I haven't seen the outfits.

Before I start my day I want to confess an itsy bitsy lie. Something might have happened yesterday, but to be fair there is no way I could have done it justice last night, but I have time now so I should write it down before I forget, because it really wasn't something, it just wasn't nothing. Does that make sense? Probably not.

Okay, so yesterday as my shift was ending I went out back to throw out the trash, and when I came back in Justin wasn't there. Which is weird, but it shouldn't be surprising, he has to leave after all, only he has never left before me. It really weirded me out and I couldn't get it off my brain. Apparently it was on my brain so much that as I was pushing the cart in the supermarket I ran into someone. That someone, as you probably have guessed, was none other than Justin.

Daria, I really wanted to leave him down there. Like I really, really, really wanted to keep him on the ground just to make it absolutely clear that I am not welcoming him here to dig up things that should remain buried. Instead held out my hand (like a fucking idiot on instinct, it had to be my right hand again) and he grabbed it to pull himself up, only he didn't let go. He held my hand and traced the cold marks on my wrist. It was a little weird, the look on his face, like I wasn't even there, just him and my scar and it creeped me out. When I tugged on my hand he gave me this look, this really searching? I don't even know if that is the right word, look. I could tell he wanted to say something but I was scared and I didn't want to hear it so I left. I ran away like a fucking coward, and I knew that wouldn't be the end of it because I will see him in a few hours, but I just couldn't… I couldn't.

I will need to be extra careful tonight.

Sorry for lying last night,

Bella.

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**_So thats it for now! Thank you for reading my crazy little idea, next update probably Friday or Saturday. _**


	4. Honest

**The Twilight Twenty-Five  
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Prompt:** Honesty  
**Pen name:** BecauseSheCan  
**Pairing: **Bellax Edward (eventually)  
**Rating:** T

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_**January 18, 2009**_

_Daria,_

I don't have words. I can't even begin to try and explain to you what happened yesterday. Right now it is impossible to process it. My mind is reeling from a complete mindfuck and I know you're just a diary but I really need you to be real right now. I cannot write in you if some part of my deluded brain isn't hoping that by giving you the exact details of what transpired today I will somehow figure it all out. Or maybe you will write back like that diary in Harry Potter. Just hopefully you are not possessed, but maybe it wouldn't even matter if you are, because that might make more sense to me than what Justin told me last night. Because according to him I am apparently the key to stopping vampires. All vampires. Like, I can just kill an entire fucking superhuman race. These people are made to be indestructible, the only person who can kill them are each other, or a wolf; not a teenage girl. This isn't the world of Buffy, stakes don't kill them, holy water doesn't and sunlight only makes them sparkle. How the hell can a lazy, weak, uncoordinated girl like me do it? And don't begin assuming that I am being modest or exaggerating my own faults. They are just facts; I am not the type that is inclined to physical exertion. But Justin can't be persuaded otherwise. He needs to get his head examined; he really does.

He came by this morning with the now familiar stack of papers to apologize for what he said last night, ready to explain himself. To be honest I was a little relieved he was there and that I was finally going to be getting some answers so I let him in. I made tea and we sat in an awkward silence, when he finally started talking it was sensory overload. I think I let him start for about a minute before I asked him if it could wait. The look on his face made me feel as if I just killed his puppy but I couldn't handle it. Last night was confusing enough without him coming this morning to tell me that he was "sorry for laying it all on me last night but isn't it great we got it all out of the way so we could get started?" When I asked him what we were supposed to be staring he replied with, "Figuring out this prophecy and going after the bloodsuckers. Now that I know you're the one we shouldn't waste any time, better to kill them all before they get us right?" I do not remember the idea of me killing vampires anywhere in last night's conversation, at least not those words exactly. I remember words, feelings, darkness, and that dizzy feeling that the alcohol gave me but no mention of me destroying vampires. I think the blank look on my face gave me away and he tried to start again but I waved him away, and he packed up without giving me his number, and telling me to keep a careful eye on the news? Could he get more secretive? I think not.

But I suppose I am confusing you, starting at the end and all that. You have even less an idea of what happened last night that I do, only I am not quite sure where the beginning is. Is it where I left off? When I met Edward? When Edward left? Or is the beginning the actual beginning like when the world started turning? I only wish I knew the history of it all, what Justin has told me is like a puzzle; small pieces that only give an impression of what the whole story is. Maybe it is simpler just to pick up where I left off.

Right, well after I wrote in you yesterday about making the cake I woke up Jess and we decided to go to the hall early with her sister to decorate and get ready. The snow was already falling pretty hard, remember the snow, it is important. Anyway after we decorated, (horrible glitter, disco ball, lots of mirrors and string lights) Jessica showed me our outfits which were of course, too short and tight, but maybe, maybe just a little bit cute. Thankfully we didn't have to do our hair, Jessica and her sister bought the fake fro's for all of us to wear, which I should never have to wear again (I just am not cool enough to pull it off in any universe). But we did have fun with our make-up, we went to the extreme with fake eyelashes and liner but none of this is important to my story, I don't even know why I bothered you with that. Suffice it to say that we made the place and ourselves pretty while preparing for about half the town to arrive.

Okay, well remember that snow? By the time the party started the heavy snow became a damn blizzard but it was too late to cancel, or even drive home and we figured we were safer in the building where everyone was together and there was a food and generator. The lights flickered here and there but it wasn't really noticeable with the disco lights. The party was actually a great success, lot of fun and smiles, and it was (don't tell anyone I said this) nice to dress up and dance again even if I had to remove the boots after ten minutes to dance in a semi-nonretarted way. If I closed my eyes and substituted the seventies music for house music I almost felt like I was back in college again, and I could imagine my friends were around me and my life was back to how it should be. Normal.

The only problem I had all night was finding new ways to avoid Justin. Especially since Jessica and Liz tried their best to catch his attention for the better part of the evening. I was luckily able to sneak away every time he joined us in a dance, and managed pretty damn well for the first two thirds of the night to even be within ten feet of him. All in all, I was having a really good time, and the drink the bartender (Mitch) mixed for me made the room swirl in a very pleasing way. Then everything went to hell in a hand basket.

It became that time of the night and I went in to the kitchen to get the cake and light the candles when the lights that were flickering all evening finally blacked out. At that point I didn't panic because this was a hall and well, I assumed that there would be a back-up generator coming to the rescue in a second. (Today Charlie told me that the batteries failed because of sulfation build up since they went so long without being used, great right?) After about three minutes I became really scared. After five minutes I attempted to walk back to the party. Do you even need to guess what happened when I tried to walk through an unfamiliar kitchen in the darkness? Well if you guessed that I fell and injured myself you guessed wrong. I merely managed to knock over an entire stack of glassware, which was enough to stop me and my bare feet from venturing back to the party. Unfortunately this was enough to make people aware of the fact that I was all alone in the kitchen. And who else but Justin, the very man I was avoiding, would be the closest to the kitchen door?

Daria, here is the point where everything gets a little muddy. The drinks, the fear, the annoyance, the frustration; everything mixed together in my system and I swear that when I woke up this morning I thought I had dreamed up the events I am about to disclose. Well, until he came this morning to apologize and confirm that it really did happen, and not only that it did happen but apparently more happened than I can remember. Well here is what I do remember:

The first thing I remember is the awkward silence. He walked in, and I muttered something about broken glass, other than that I think I was quiet and he was nervous. The tense silence settled over both of us, until he tried to soothe me clumsily and then blurted out that his father is dead. Well he didn't exactly blurt it out, I think it went more like him asking if I was scared and me telling him no because Charlie, my dad would get the generator working soon. He nodded then kind of just told me his father was dead. So it wasn't exactly off topic, but did I ask him anything about his father? Was there a reason he felt he had to share that little tidbit? And how was it supposed to make me feel better? And if it was an attempt to make the awkwardness go away he sure as fucking hell failed. I mean what do you say when someone tells you that? Nothing. There is nothing you could possibly say to a complete stranger when he randomly decides to tell you an intimate part of his life. I mean I know it happens in the movies all the time, and strangers give people this really sage advice, but I don't have someone telling me what to say, and if I did have someone directing the course of my life I would hope like hell it would be a tad more interesting than this piece of shit existence I have right now.

Still, I couldn't let the now even more awkward silence hang over us so I asked how he died and then he got all quiet. Like he shared this fucking information that I didn't ask for with me and then he decides to become shy? I was raging until something clicked and in that moment I knew. Before he said anything, even if the drink made my head all fuzzy I just knew how his father was killed, and I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud; so I just whispered "vampires?" I think he tried to respond to me with a nod, but since I couldn't actually see it I can't tell you if that is true or not; a few seconds later he whispered yeah. That whisper was so…painful. I'm not sure how a whisper can be painful, but his was. It was full of misery and secrets and want; a want to talk, to be able to freely say everything he had been holding back for so long, a want to just let go, and somehow I was there for it. I still don't know how I should feel about it, how I should feel about witnessing, or rather hearing, such an intimate moment in a stranger's life but I think it was the first time he was able to talk about it with someone who understood. I might just be the only person in the world who doesn't think he is crazy for believing in vampires.

In that moment I couldn't deny him what he needed most so I asked him what his father was like and then the ball just unraveled. He started describing his father and memories, little things, moments that always puzzled him that he was only now solving. He then began speaking faster and faster, and I think he was talking to himself and working out a problem more than he was talking to me. It was as if he forgot I was listening, but I was listening and what he was saying kind of scared me.

I was a little drunk and Justin wasn't exactly clear but from the bits and pieces I put together apparently for the past fifty years there has been a struggle for power in the Vampire world between Volterra and Romania. This year the war has reached its peak and they are becoming careless; vampire sightings have been numerous and their murders are sloppy. His father was a theologist (maybe an archeologist?), and I don't really think I completely understand it but somehow he had come across a prophecy, or multiple prophecies. One of which Justin thinks involves me, and I wish I knew more about it but I don't because when I tried to ask him what the prophecy stated exactly he just looked at me and touched the scar on my hand. "You loved him. You really, really loved him and he loved you."

After that Daria he went off into his own world, muttering nonsense that probably isn't nonsense but none of it makes any sense to me. I am half hoping he was drunk, and I know that nothing I told you makes sense, it is all a bunch of half truths and second hand observations but that is all I have. Justin was so lost in his misery, his memories and I suspect a good deal of liquor to make any much sense. The words, soul, shared, love, monster, were repeated a lot. Mostly soul, he kept saying soul and I don't even know if vampires have souls? I tried to convince Edward they do, and everything I saw from the Cullen's convinced of it but the transformation changes a person so much and isn't your soul separated from you in death? Wouldn't the lack of a soul be necessary to be able to feed off humans like that? I know plenty of humans kill, but not everything in their body is programmed to kill, wouldn't a soul be an impediment to their survival?

Right now all I know for sure is that somehow Justin thinks it is possible that I will be a factor in extinguishing the entire vampire race. I hope that I am still drunk, and when I wake up this will all be a dream, but I really think this is real because no one could possibly make this up. How can it be my destiny to kill the only person I have ever fully and truly loved? I need time; time to think, time to research, time to cry, time to be mad, and time just to breathe.

Sorry I took up too much space today. It's even more of a shame I am no closer to understanding any of this at all.

Confused and overwhelmed,

Bella.

* * *

Love it? Hate it? Want to scream at me for not including Edward yet? Let me know


	5. Taut

**The Twilight Twenty-Five  
**

___**Prompt: **Taut_  
**_Pen name:_ **BecauseSheCan  
_**Pairing:** _Bella x Edward (Eventually)  
_**Rating:** _T

* * *

_**January 19, 2009**_

_Daria, _

This week's mission, if you choose to accept it, is to stay as far away from Justin as you can. Well as long as I can, since you don't have much of a choice in where you go, but it is necessary to my sanity to not be around him. I am half thinking of asking Mitch if he'd mind if I work the grill for a little while. I'm a half decent cook and anything is better than knowing he is there watching me. I get goose bumps even describing it to you right now, his eyes are always on me. I'm not sure if they have always been and now I am just paranoid because of what he revealed or if he is now feeling brave because he has finally revealed himself to me. Except he hasn't, not really. I have no idea what is going on and despite everything I wrote down yesterday none of it makes sense. I spent all last night staring at the ceiling; my fingers circled the two tell-tale scars on my wrist that are always a few degrees cooler than my skin. The scar, the stupid fucking scar is at the core of everything. It is my last connection to Edward, my last reminder that everything that happened all those years ago wasn't really a dream, and the beginning of Justin's obsession with me. Most days I wear myself thin, working, cooking, cleaning, talking, doing anything and everything so that when my head finally hits the pillow I am too exhausted to dream; to think; to remember.

But some nights like last, all I can do is spend the night lost in a cloudy haziness where fantasy mixes with reality. I feel Edwards' arms around me, smell his sweet scent, hear his whispers in my ear, and see that little crease he gets between his eyes when he is frustrated with me. In my dreams it is like he has never left, in my dreams we have continued our life together, in my dreams I am no longer me, I have sold my soul to the devil for eternal life with the one I love. In my dreams it all makes sense. In reality I don't think I would make the choices I was so eager to make all those years ago. I think I might be happy to accept the time I have with him. I like the feel of my heart beating, I like knowing I can create life. I like knowing that I am a part of something much bigger than myself, something that has been going on forever. But in my dreams, it is like he has never left.

In reality, I am starting to forget him, little by little, the exact shade of his eyes, the sound of his laugh, and the notes of his lullaby. During the waking hours it is my goal to forget, to pretend. But these are all lies. I deny it because I know it can't be healthy, to love so strong and to know you will never love again, it is almost equal to giving up on life. But I just can't imagine there is anyone who can fill this hole in my heart. I don't want anyone else to patch me up and make it right. I want to hope that he might still be out there, missing me, maybe just a little.

Can I leave this entry in and tomorrow say it is a relapse? When the sun rises can I go on and still go forward with my original goal? I want to, sometimes, but living in Forks is making the past too real and the ghosts more alive to me than the people I see every day.

With a head full of yesterdays,

Bella.

_**

* * *

**_

January 20, 2009.

_Daria,_

Justin is crazy right? I mean I think I have said so much, but never in those exact words. And I need to say them now. And I really need you to agree with me. Justin is crazy and living with some fucked up daddy issues because the idea of me destroying vampires is ludicrous right? RIGHT?

Ok, good, now that we are agreed I need to ask you a question. If Justin is crazy and therefore everything he says is crazy why was there a vampire attack in Croatia? Well of course the news report didn't say Vampire attack but I saw the footage. Well not the footage but I listened okay? And it made sense, the locals saw blinding light, they felt the earth rumbling and they found ashes. Don't you get it, a thousand vampires together would resemble bright light, I mean Jesus what it looked like when just all the Cullen's were in the sunlight can you imagine hundreds of them? Of course it would look like an explosion. And the rumbling well, just Edward jumping caused the earth around me to shake; again a hundred of them would surely multiply the effect. And the ashes, they burn each other! See, it makes sense. Well it does if you come from where I am coming from but maybe not to the average person but just in general. Okay well maybe not even to me if I were to never have met Justin but now I see it, especially when it is paired with the murder spree that was attributed to a terrorist organization.

I think I have officially gone off the deep end Daria, and if anyone were ever to find you I would be institutionalized immediately, but I can't seem to find the strength to throw you away.

A little unbalanced,

Bella

_**

* * *

**_

January 21, 2009.

_Daria,_

Mitch won't let me switch my shift, and he won't let me pass off Justin to Ashley anymore. Which is really fucking annoying especially after what he did today! What did he do you ask? He is taunting me. Gone away are the big scary tomes (which the library still doesn't have in) and in their place are plain old newspapers. Papers I can go and pick up at the newsstand, with large red circles that are practically screaming "READ ME" and I don't. Well, at least I don't there where he can see. As soon as I got home I found the articles online and the clues don't add up to a perfect picture. Many small pieces are still missing, but the hint of something larger is definitely present in the words; the little inconsistencies, details that no one really questions, but the more I look the more obvious they seem.

On paper, the war between Bosnia and Serbia is a typical battle for land. Countries on the boundaries that always want that extra little bit; wars where the hatred for the people on the opposite side are so deeply ingrained but no one actually knows why the war began in the first place. It could be this, and if my mind wasn't influenced by Justin's I would probably think nothing of these articles in the newspaper. God knows I never paid attention before, but now I can't stop questioning. Why did this war begin? Why so suddenly? Why are both governments denying the fighting is occurring? Surely if they were the ones fighting one of them would own up to it so they could make a demand. Why are there no survivors? Why always in an open field? Why even though there is no traces of radiation are people in neighboring villages claiming to see extraordinary flashes of lights?

I think it's the extraordinary flashes of light that have me wondering. I mean, one vampire is radiant and beautiful but an army of vampires in daylight a distance away, it could resemble that right? Maybe?

Back in the sane world, Jake called me earlier and asked if I wouldn't mind coming down to the reservation. He sounded a little worried, and it fed into my paranoia until I remembered Nessie is pregnant, and then I felt like a total ass for thinking the world is all about me so I agreed. A drunken night with a group of wolves sounds a little bit perfect right now anyway, and if they are a bit too happy I can just hang around Leah. Being bitter with someone else is always better than being bitter alone, and I certainly have more than enough to be bitter about. Or frustrated, or annoyed, god damn I am fucking… something about this all. Something, is that really the best I can do? I can't believe after four years studying literature I cannot figure out what that word is. Maybe I should have studied psychology then I could diagnose myself, because all is not right inside my head; you know that better than anyone.

Off the deep end,

Bella.

* * *

_**January 22, 2009**_

_Daria,_

Another fucking article. There were three, today all circled in with bright red ink. This he didn't even have the decency to be underhanded. No, he left the cut outs with his tip. All three in a nicely stacked pile, particular phrases underlined, so I would be sure not to miss it. As if I could, yesterday I was buying conditioner and I heard someone shout out "Oooh it sparkles." Do you even know the damn heart attack I had, and they were talking about glitter. GLITTER! Two fucking seven years old, my mind is almost completely separate from the reality I am living in.

Back to the articles I guess, since I have nothing else to talk about. According to the NY Times, Bosnia is now acknowledging the fighting and pleading with Serbia to stop their terrorist attacks. What are these terrorist attacks you ask? Well apparently the Serbian armies are using 'fear tactics' to gain land, and by fear tactics the papers go on to explain that they are draining Bosnians of all their blood and leaving their bodies in the open as a warning. It doesn't say how they are doing this but can I really have any doubts now? Can I really not believe Justin?

There is a knowing feeling in the bottom of my stomach and my head is spinning and this all feels so wrong. I want to ignore it so bad, but my body feels like it has tripled in size while my skin hasn't and if anything else happens I will be ripped apart.

I should go now before I incriminate myself further,

Bella.

* * *

_**January 23, 2009**_

_Daria,_

He didn't come in today. You think that'd be better, it's what I have wanted. I have been complaining about him and now he is gone.

Daria, I am beginning to think that I have absolutely no idea what I want. See I thought I wanted to move on, I mean it is on the first page of you, but now twenty days later and I am thinking more about the past than the present; let alone the future. I thought I wanted Justin gone but now I want him here. Not because I miss him or anything, I just think it's safer to know what he is doing; I mean at least if he is here I know what is going on. Not that there is anything going on. Well, I mean by now I am pretty sure there is something going on. Fuck, I can't even make up my mind about that now.

I … I don't even know how to describe the way I am right now except that my feet are glued to the ground and the train is speeding at me but is far enough in the distance that I can see it coming, can anticipate my own death, and do nothing to stop it. I keep pulling, and tugging, and I am about ready to saw off my leg, bite it off anything, but I hesitate… Should I do it? Should I bite off my own leg and be free? But who knows what the consequences will be? Can I survive without a leg? Or should I just let the train hit me and say fuck it? What is the right answer here?

I know you can't answer me, but for god sakes, if there is a god, use some divine intervention here and tell me the answer because I am drowning in the tears of my frustration.

Help me please,

Bella.


	6. Willing

**The Twilight Twenty-Five  
**_  
Prompt:_ Willing  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing:_ Bellax Edward  
_Rating:_ T

_**

* * *

**_

_**January 24, 2009**_

_Daria,_

Life is kind of funny right? I mean,when Jake invited me over tonight I thought I would get relief from all the craziness that my life has become. I thought I would have a few drinks, laugh, and cry, hear them bad mouth the leeches and if they were too lovey-dovey with their imprints I would sit in the corner and be a bitter old hag at the ripe old age of twenty three with Leah. I mean that is pretty much what I am guaranteed when I head to the reservation. Still I can't help feeling pretty naïve. Of course expecting a normal night pretty much guarantees a total mind fuck. I mean who really thought that I could have a normal life in forks? Why was I so disinclined to move here when I was little, I mean I wanted my life to get more exciting? If anyone had told me that life in Forks meant Vampires (the good and bad) a pack of lovable but ferocious werewolves and a random Brit who specializes in prophecies, the twelve year old version of me would have reconnected with Charlie in seconds.

So why did Jake really invite me, you might be wondering. Well, he called me over to ask for my help, to ask if I could still get in contact with the Cullen's because apparently something is going on. Get that, the people who I have always counted on to stop me from running to the Cullen's are asking me to find them. Jake says it is something big because the transformations which have been slow since the Cullen's left are on the rise and fast; six more boys have gone through their changes (the twelve year old in me still giggles when I think of it like that) and it doesn't look like it is going down. He says there's something in the air, and it has to be big 'cause he can't smell 'em so they aren't near enough to cause immediate danger. Sam is worried and Billy is flummoxed and now they want to make nice because they are scared. And if they are scared, then to be frank, I am terrified.

It has never happened before; changing without vampires close. I don't know what it means, and god damn my skin might be more pliable than I thought because everything just keeps adding and adding yet I still haven't burst. Maybe I'm a bit stronger than I thought. Maybe… I just don't know. Maybe my dreams will give me some clarity or at least a reprieve from all this life.

To share some good news, Ashley managed to go all day without dropping a single dish. She still fucked up just about every single persons order, (even the coffee, a black coffee how the hell do you fuck that up? I will never know.) but she didn't drop anything so that's good. I mean I guess it's what everyone had to put up with me when I first started so I should be nicer. But I really doubt I was ever that fucking dumb. I shall not focus on that, this was the good news section so I shall be happy for the first part and forget I even wrote the second part!

Hopeless but trying,

Bella

* * *

_**January 25, 2009.**_

_Daria,_

I watched the news today, well that shouldn't be a surprise anymore, but the thing is that I realized something. I realized that I am being selfish. I know; I know what is really going on, I can possibly help a lot of people and stop everything but I am being such a wimp. I am running away because I don't want to see what will happen if I see Edward again and he really doesn't love me. I am running away because I am scared to actually live my life again. The whole damn journal is about me trying to begin living and move on but what if the only way I can truly live again is to go back to the last time I was living.

Edward was always so scared I would miss out on human experiences if he stayed with me, but what is more human than falling in love? We are the only mammals who can choose who they reproduce with, who we want to stay with forever so why would he deny me that? But enough about that. I am not going to focus my entire life on Edward anymore, because avoiding this would be doing exactly that.

Am I making any sense, because I am confusing myself? Everything about my life since I moved to Forks in so entwined with Edward I can't really separate them. Ever since he left I haven't been living, I have been surviving and avoiding life while trying my best to live. I need to accept that he will always be there. I need to actually deal with what he did to me. I need to fucking move on, and I finally get that moving on in this case means going back into that world. It means being a big girl and facing the life that I have tried so hard to pretend never happened, it means accepting that this is what is in the cards for me. If it happens to bring me closer to Edward great, if not c'est la vie.

The only thing I know for sure is that something big is going on. Everything lately has been too sloppy, the Volturi are either losing power, or they are no longer caring about hiding the fact that they exist from the rest of the world. I trust Justin, isn't that odd? I barely know him and I have no idea why he is here or how much he knows about me. I don't even know if he knew about vampires before his father was murdered, and it is probably part of that lack of a self-preservation instinct that leads me to trust him, but I think my instincts have proved themselves. I didn't trust James, but I automatically trusted Edward and Jake, I think the only time my trust-o-meter was in default was with Sam and he's still a little creepy. But back to what I was talking about, I trust Justin. I think he is confused and overwhelmed and we are in the same boat, and that is making me scared to death to go and talk to him, because what if all he knows is what he told me? What if we are going into this entire situation blind and all we have are those news clippings? I need to trust that those scary looking tomes weren't just for show, I need to have faith in something it might as well be Justin, and I guess through Justin and working with him I will finally have faith in myself.

With hope and acceptance,

Bella

* * *

I've been asked this a lot, and I can't say when or where but the Cullen's, including Edward will be in this story. Just trust me okay guys?

Thanks for reading!


	7. Fragments

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt: _Fragments  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: _T

* * *

_**January 26, 2009**_

_Daria,_

I went to work today and I was really scared that he wouldn't be there. I was scared how to approach this. Denial is pretty easy; pretending everything is fine when it's not requires almost no work at all. Actually stepping up to the plate and having to figure out how to say something that could potentially change your entire life on the other hand requires a lot of work; a lot of nerves, a lot of second guessing, and muttering dialogue to yourself that will most likely never transpire between the two of you, a lot of preparation. So that's why I told myself I had time all day I would walk over to his table and when he looked up I would run into the kitchen like a fucking chicken. I mean what about this is so hard? My decision is made and I am not second guessing myself at all. I need to help him, I need to figure this out, and I need to start living my life again.

So why am I here writing in you after my shift instead of picking Justin's brain? Because I wimped out, because when I finally got to his table he handed me the newspaper clippings as per our usual routine, and I opened my mouth but nothing came out. It was easy and I took the path of least resistance. But really, and I mean really, really I will ask him tomorrow. Tuesdays are normally slow anyway.

Kind of a chicken,

Bella

* * *

_**January 27, 2009**_

_Daria,_

Take a really deep sigh. Breathe in, breathe out. Okay good? Ready, because I have a lot to tell you. As soon as Justin came in this morning I told Mitch I was taking my break. I sat down at the table, and needless to say Justin was shocked, which was good. Him being shocked gave me confidence, it gave me the upper hand and all of a sudden I was in control of the situation and it felt amazing. I admit I am still on a little bit of a power kick reliving the way I took charge, I have never, never taken charge like that before and to do so was amazing. So, Justin was shocked and sitting there, I can only imagine the thoughts going through his head, there had to be thousands of them but he was quiet, waiting for me to continue and I did. I just looked at him and told him to tell me everything.

The look on his face was equal parts: shock, elation, relief, and confusion. It was satisfying to watch the progression of emotions but they only lasted for about a second before he pulled out this small little journal. And Daria, I have to admit that I was a little bit disappointed I mean after seeing him walking around with these thick as fuck tomes and stacks of paper to only receive a small book after demanding to hear everything. I was even more shocked when he handed it to me and left. "Read it, come and find me." Was all he said. After that Mitch called me back to work and I was strangely deflated. I thought I would get answers immediately, this whole thing explained to me in black and white, and I would run in like some sort of savior helping the human race. Apparently I am only aware of me excessive fantasies, after they have no chance of occurring.

So this book, this book that is not Justin's (the handwriting is all wrong) is extremely confusing. It goes off on all these tangents. I still have no idea how I belong in this world, it is all gibberish to me. There are all these ancient descriptions of vampires and the vampire legends, some wrong, some right that automatically made me remember when I first googled vampires all those years ago. There are maps and quotes from books and movies, there is one phrase repeated over and over again:

"W_hen the final barrier is broken, they both can perish."_

I think it might be a riddle. The word barrier is written at least twenty times, and every time there is a different scenario depicted. The man writes about the barrier possibly being a loss of virginity. He assumes this is the most obvious physical barrier, but he tries to depict a way it will cause them both to die. He doesn't succeed as the only way he can imagine it killing at all is if she dies in a childbirth caused by the loss of virginity. I mean, this guy is not very creative right? I wish I knew more, I am so lost reading through his thoughts because that is truly what this book is. It is not a journal, not in the normal sense. There is no narrative; it is nothing like the way I write in you. The entire thing is more like a scratching pad, a place to solve his problems, to do the equations. It is obvious he never expected anyone else to read them; it is obvious he never intended anyone else to need to learn from them.

And I am clearly not learning from them. I am so much more confused now than before. I understand what Justin was doing in giving me this, after all I demanded to learn everything but it is like I have all these hieroglyphics but I need the Rosetta Stone to make any sense of me, and whether I like it or not Justin is my Rosetta stone. In that one sentence there is so much I am missing, after all who are they. Are they specific people? Are they the vampires? The humans? Are they the Volturi? The Romanians?

And what does he mean by broken? Does he mean simply dismantled? Or actually shattered? And what does it mean that they can perish? Does it mean something more must be done? Does it imply that there is something right now that doesn't allow them to perish?

When I set down to tell you everything I wanted to share everything I learned, I wanted to basically transfer what is written there to you, thinking that by writing it, somehow it would all make sense but now my head is spinning in a million different directions. There is so much more than just this sentence, there are drawings of places, and names with numbers but nothing about why they are important. There are page numbers, and scripture passages that I don't recognize (not like I am extremely religious) there is a lot of mention of the word soul.

Soul, that damn word. That damn obsession with something that doesn't even exist. It is an intangible delusion that humans made up to make themselves immortal in their own way. I wish I could remember exactly but in one of my freshman philosophy classes my teacher told me that the soul for the ancient Greeks was in the mind. I am taking it terribly out of context, and I can't remember half of what she said but I remember loving the idea and wishing Edward was there to hear it. I wanted him to know that the actual soul didn't matter, all that mattered was that he was there with me, able to think and talk and love me. All that mattered to me was that he was able to love me. It didn't matter if his touch made me warm or cold, all that mattered was that he was touching me and physically or not it sent my body, my heart, in flames. I never cared if he had a soul. And when I was seventeen I never cared if he took a soul that I didn't believe in. All I cared about was him. I still care about him, I still love him… God, have I gotten off topic, all I can say is that the idea of a soul, of being focused on something so intangible is pretty stupid to me. I wish I could have convinced Edward, and I wish I could have told that to Justin's father, maybe then he would be a little further in his research and leave clearer clues, if he wasn't thinking this impossible idea to death.

Until I have more answers,

Bella


	8. Earnest

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt: _Earnest  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: _T

* * *

_**January 28, 2009**_

_Daria, _

Justin came in today, and I didn't even take a second to tell Mitch I was taking my break. Instead as soon as he walked inside I didn't let him sit down, I pushed him back outside, that stupid little notebook in my apron pocket and dragged him to the side of the restaurant. Thankfully only old Mr. Withers and Mr. and Mrs. Bresslin were in the restaurant and none of them had their hearing aids turned on. The snow was falling particularly hard and most of the Forks residents decided it was easier to beat two eggs on their own than taking their chances in these conditions. One would think that it would be easier for the ancients to stay home as well, but they are set in their routine and I firmly believe that their routine might be the only thing going for them. I can't imagine what they have to live for; even their grandkids are grown and moved far away. To think that Edward wanted to stay with me while I decomposed like that, I swear once I got my first gray hair I would have banished him from my life. But once again Daria, I find myself off course, you really shouldn't let me ramble like that.

So I attacked Justin, dragged him outside and shoved that damn little black notebook in his face. I know you're wondering why all the rage but honestly after I finished writing in you last night the rage and anger and frustration began circling in my stomach, eating away at me. I kept asking questions, I kept hating everything about this situation, not even the situation just the way Justin is handling it. I mean I get it, he is younger than me, not by much but apparently enough to make a difference. I get that, at least based on his drunk ramblings, that this isn't the path he has chosen for himself. But why can't he just sit me down like a grown-up? Why can't he just say listen: A, B and C happened so now the vamps are taking over the world. I mean it sounds crazy but I would have believed that. I really would of, especially if he kept handing me the newspaper clippings.

So I shoved the damn book in his hands and I told him I needed answers. I don't need clues. I don't need him to guide me on a fucking path. I need to know what he knows. I need to know it now, because if I am in then I am all the way in. His blue eyes glistened and for a second I thought I made the poor boy cry, because he really is only a little boy. Have I mentioned that? He looks like he is fresh out of college, like super fresh sushi, not kind of moldy bread out of college for eternity like I do. He says okay, and tells me to meet him at his house later, that it is a long complicated story, but he warned me that he doesn't know much more than I do; which might have pissed me off a little.

The rest of that day all I could do was stare at the clock. Each second felt like an hour, every minute felt like a lifetime. The diner, incredibly slow thanks to the continuous poor weather, and I was incredibly grateful for the call from Leah to break up my day a little. It was nothing significant just bullshit, her talking about the recent changes the boys are going through, Billy and Sam were worried, she asked if I wanted to go down there again this weekend and I immediately accepted, after all we are trying to figure out the same thing. I contemplated asking to see if I could bring someone but I figured if I wanted to bring Justin I could call later and make sure, but they were generally a more the merrier crowd so I wasn't too worried.

When my shift was finally over I practically ran to my car, and shoved off all the snow with a herculean effort (in reality Daria, this means that I warmed my car up and used the brush for about fifteen minutes until my car could navigate safely on the road) and drove to the only motel in town where Justin was staying. When I got to the door I paused for a second, a little awkward, but only for a second then you can bet that my fist was slamming against the door and would have continued if he didn't rush to the door after about five seconds of my banging. I walked in to the motel room and it was adorable. Justin has all these big boards, like the ones you use when you're in middle school for science projects, to do a presentation. There were pictures and diagrams and maps, and I looked at him and he kind of reminded me of the Mike I knew when I first moved here. Sweet, unassuming a total puppy dog, it is amazing the difference the expression makes. For the past month he has been hunched over a table, probably scared out of his mind and trying to figure out this big puzzle that was unceremoniously thrust onto his shoulders and now I finally came forward and am ready to help share the load. He just looks so eager to please me that I kind of wanted to pat him on the head but instead I stood awkwardly while I waited for him to invite me in and tell me to sit. Once I did he went into full school report mode he showed me all the maps and pictures but all that I saw was little details that weren't bound together. I didn't understand the connections and I still don't but by the time he was done it was too late for anything else, and I needed to get home before Charlie worried anymore. We left with plans to meet again tomorrow.

Tired,

Bella

* * *

_**January 29, 2009.**_

_Daria,_

Do I really need to share what happened at the diner? I mean you should know by now nothing occurs, or maybe nothing it just seems like that after Justin came to town with all his intrigue. So my day until I went to Justin's went like this: woke up at five, opened the diner, served the same customers, waited for Justin to come in, cleaned up Emily's mess, waited for Justin to come in, received a text from Renee, waited for Justin to come in, Justin came in (!) sometime in between the morning and the time Justin came in I handled the morning and lunch rush, Jessica called me but unfortunately she has no plans to come down, Justin left the newspaper clippings, Bertha came in to relieve me, and I left. There got it? Okay so now the interesting part begins.

I pulled in to the motel again, and I might have hesitated for a split second but apparently Justin was as eager as I was and the door opened before my fist could knock a second time. I walked in and he sat me down, he offered me tea (how adorable) and he just kind of waited there for me to speak. So I did, I asked as many questions as I could think of and here is what I discovered. There is a prophecy, but his father was never able to get to the actual source of it, the general gist is a human and vampire fall in love and somehow it allows for a vampire to be killed. I cannot tell you how frustrated I am with this lack of information, the little black book he gave me was just theories and the constant repetition of "W_hen the final barrier is broken, they both can perish."_ Is the only direct source they have, which explains why it is the focus.

Of course I had to ask how they found me, and it is a little too easy. His father who is quite nosy caught whisperings of it while he was in Italy looking for clues. And Daria, I am not going to go crazy right now assuming anything but based on what he was saying it sounds as if Edward is with the Volturi, either a member of them or their prisoner, maybe a little of both. I don't know how I was able to hold a conversation after I found that piece of news but I am losing it now. I know I am safe now but I can't help but be scared, what if Edward has been there as a prisoner for all these years? What if that is the reason he has stayed away? Have I really had that little faith in our relationship while he has been so steadfast? I know he left, but I also know he loved me and he lied that day. I mean he left once before and he came back, he said he could never stay away from me. What if he was to come back?

I have never felt a stronger need to do anything in my life, but I will find Edward, and I will help him and save him. I will figure out a way around this prophecy. I will, I WILL.

Fierce for once,

Bella.

* * *

_Thank you all for reading perhaps the slowest introduction in the world. The mystery is almost solved, the action is about to begin, and it will happen fast, remember this is only 25 chapters! Hope you are enjoying it, and btw I love hearing all your crazy theories so through them at me :)_


	9. Patience

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt: _Patience  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: _T

* * *

_**January 30, 2009**_

_Daria,_

Fridays are never a good day in the service industry, even in a forgotten town like Forks. The kids come to the diner to spend hours sitting at one table, order practically nothing and leave only the spare change as a tip. The adults aren't much better, Friday night has always been and will most likely always be the night that they don't have to cook, the night they are too tired from working all week so they ship the family out. Unfortunately the only places to eat in town are the dinner, pizza and the deli; and the deli closes at seven. So Fridays are the worst day, and when a month ago I took the double and sometimes the triple shifts without complaint but now I am finding that I just want to get the hell out of here. I finally have something to do after work that doesn't consist of housework.

I have a mystery to solve and a friend to meet. Is it odd that I now consider Justin a friend? I mean I barely talk to the kids and today it was even worse, with me caught up to where he is we decided that we would start deciphering the journals. All day we just sat there next to each other reading through the journals, the only sound in the room the faint hum of the radiator and the scratching of our pens, but it was nice. I think the nicest part was sitting so close to him, all day long I am surrounded by people but I am never actually with them. Justin was sitting close enough to me that I can feel his body heat, and it is so comforting, so intimate. I haven't been that intimate with anyone since I was back at college and me and my friends would hang all over each other, laughing, believe it or not I managed to have a pretty average college life.

I miss sex.

I know it is a little personal for you, and don't get the wrong idea I do not look at Justin like that but it was nice. It was nice being touched, and wanted, and smelling someone else, kissing them. I miss needing someone, having them need you, being able to hold someone's hand. It is brilliant and beautiful and I miss it. I still love Edward, I always have, and the first time it happened I was a little drunk and a little spiteful and it hurt and I cried for hours when I finally walked out of the guy's room in the morning, but after I kicked myself in the ass and decided that I was doing it all wrong it got better. The second time I cried a little, but the third time was sweet and gentle and I refused to allow myself to think of Edward. So yes, I miss sex. I miss intimacy. I miss feeling. I hate the gray cloud my life has become, one monotonous day after the next. Adding Justin's room to my routine, while not the biggest change in the world, is enough to make me anxious for more; more change, more life, more things, more events, and more actions. Action that is what has been missing in my life, I have had a serious lack of verbs in my life these past two years, I need action.

And I shall have it, I finally accepted Leah's offer for the party tonight, and I decided to bring Justin with me. I am kind of nervous about introducing them to one another, is that odd?

Till we meet again,

Bella

* * *

_**January 31, 2009**_

_Daria,_

You have been my constant companion for thirty one days already can you believe that? No? Me either. It is almost hard to believe how much you have transformed in one month, you began as a way to move past Edward and you are now a witness at my fight to find him and save him. Life is funny right? Renee always told me to never make plans; she said god laughs at those who plan, and while I always believed this to be her excuse for being lazy, now I see the merit in it. God laughs at plans, but I pray he has pity on the planners because right now it does not seem like he does. The journals are leading us now where. Everything seems so senseless and while right now we are just taking inventory of what is mentioned and once we finish we will narrow them down.

By the way I got the call that my library books came in, can you believe that? But I still went to pick them up because I felt bad they were shipped all the way here for little old me. These books are really deep too, I especially love this line:

_Om- That supreme Brahman is infinite and this conditioned Brahman is infinite. The infinite proceeds from infinite. Then through knowledge, realizing the infinitude of the infinite, it remains as infinite alone_

It's a mindfuck right? I told Justin I got the books and he thought it was a good idea if I read them and gained my own opinions, rather than hearing his interpretations. I doubt I will find a breakthrough, I mean he has read these back and forth in the original language, and he has read his father's thoughts on this as well, but nevertheless I will give it a shot. The passage above me is my favorite so far (I have only read three pages, but almost every sentence is like this one) I think it means that life is a circle. There is no beginning and no end, it always has been and always will be and time is just an illusion. It's like Plato's theory of the forms, I think that is what I am thinking of, the one with the prisoner tied to the wall and the shadows right? Like all we see is our interpretation of the things, we can't get past our own minds… but no that is not like this right? Plato believed there was a definite shape to everything and I don't think that is what this is saying. This is saying there is no such a thing as true definition because everything is everything.

Ouch… do you hear that? It is my brain splitting in half. This book is a serious mindfuck and that is only two sentences. Two!

Oh, and because I know you are dying to know last night Justin fit in really well at the res. Well not perfect he was a little quiet, but it's odd seeing him in a social setting. I have never seen him like that, he has always been so serious about this prophecy thing, and at the birthday party he was drunk off his pretty British ass.

A little bit happy,

Bella

* * *

_**February 1, 2009.**_

_Daria,_

Sunday is a long and tedious day. Especially when one is used to being constantly in motion, most days I cherish the thought of nothingness all day, but I am prone to exaggeration and what I really mean is I want is ten minutes, maybe an hour at the most, where I can sit and then get back to life. Sunday is filled with way too many ten minute breaks, and far too much mindless television that I cannot turn off. I woke up at the late hour of nine o'clock made breakfast, watched television, did wash, watched television, went to the grocery store and almost considered buying one of the books they sell there (I put it back) then guess what? I watched some tv. See a pattern here?

After that well I went home and switched the laundry, put away the groceries and talked to Jess on the phone for a little while. The last time I got off the phone with her I wallowed in misery, hating her for having a stupid normal life with job, boyfriend and friends, but today I was able to be happy for her. I think, no wait, I know, this is all because of Justin and his prophecy, and I don't think he even realizes what it is doing for me. I am getting my life back and every day I feel like small pieces of me are coming back to life.

I was almost tempted to call him today, but he has my number and I think a day apart might be good. Maybe letting our mind think about other things will allow the puzzle to sort itself out a little bit. We are almost done with the journals so, pretty soon this thing will be solved; I just hope it's soon.

Lazy,

Bella


	10. Restraint

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt: _Restraint  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: _T

* * *

**_February 2, 2009_**

_Daria,_

Mondays…

For some reason I feel like quoting the Bangles. I do not know why, I do not question it, it just comes into my head and their songs play over and over again until I relent and sing them out loud. It is a strange thing, but since many strange things occur in my life I do not question it. To be quite honest this song works right now, it is perfect because Justin seems to have accelerated whatever pace we were going at (turtle I believe) and now he is pushing us forward. He won't share with me what is going on. I think that is what is pissing me off the most. I don't know what set him off, his face is tight and he won't look at me. At first I thought maybe he was mad at me for not going over there yesterday, I thought maybe he was being stupid and petty, after all he is still young, but I don't think it would be this rash. When I went there he let me in, sat back down and barked at me to get started or how he put it, "the bloody journals aren't going to ready themselves are they?" I might have giggled when he said it, partly due to nervousness and mostly due to the fact that I had never heard him curse before. Plus I mean the idea of a British person saying bloody is just so cliché and yet there he was before me, cliché and everything. My laughter quickly evaporated when I saw his cold expression, I then sat like a child scolded, and promptly did my work.

So work, that is all we did, no talking, no laughing, no body heat. When it was my time to leave I muttered a "goodbye' then left, he might have spoken but I don't think it was English. That leaves me here now, thinking and wondering and trying to understand what happened. Yesterday was fine, yesterday I missed him and the day before everything was fine, great even. The old Bella, the Bella before Justin probably would have shrugged it off and decided she didn't care. I, on the other hand, care. I do and it is his entire damn fault so now he has to deal with the consequences of this new Bella. Or the new old Bella if that makes any sense?

Anyway I will confront him tomorrow.

Brave new old,

Bella

* * *

**_February 3, 2009_**

_Daria,_

He's a fucker. Justin, if you were wondering who I am talking about, is a fucking fucker. I should think of something more to say but all I want to do right now is string together the longest line of profanities I can possibly make work, and shout them at him in front of the entire diner.

I knew something was wrong yesterday.

I knew it. The way he was acting, the coldness, aloofness, god it was like being back with Edward almost. And then today he didn't come into the diner. I don't think there has been one day that he hasn't come in, to share information to do research. I just don't understand, and I know, I know, I didn't do anything wrong. We were-are- so close to figuring this out and now he is just acting like a frigid bitch.

And on top of not coming to the diner, I (the good and amazing friend I am) actually went to his house (well room in a motel) to check on him. If I had time I would have brought soup for him, but he wouldn't have needed it because he isn't sick. He is perfectly healthy, and perfectly an asshole. He wouldn't let me inside. He told me he was busy and had to leave, without looking me in the eye. I tried to push and shove my way in there, but he wouldn't let me pass the door! He just told me he was close and he didn't want me distracting him, as if I wasn't pulling my weight. As if I wasn't pulling just as many hours stressing out over this. As if this wasn't about me.

God.

Anyway I called Leah; she is on her way over with Tequila to get me nice and drunk, and to stop me before I hate myself in the morning. I have amazing friends.

Fuck the fucking pansy ass frigid bitch,

Bella

* * *

**_February 4, 2009._**

_Daria,_

So it has come to my attention that maybe Justin is not a fucking pansy ass frigid bitch. Leah pointed out two possibilities that make sense last night. 1) He was in the middle of fucking some girl, which makes sense. I mean he has been here for over a month, he has needs. Not like my needs have been taken care of in months, see plural, but apparently guys cannot last that long (Which I think is bullshit really). Or 2) the possibility that he might be feeling more than friendly/sisterly feelings for me and I should give him some space. I don't really like option number two. I have never gotten the impression that Justin felt more for me than I felt for him, and I find that the idea of giving him space and not seeing him everyday makes me frown a little. I like spending time with him; I like that him being here gave me pieces of myself back. When I said this Leah just rolled her eyes at me and gave me that smug look on her face; I do not like that look.

But she is a good friend, because she forced water down my throat, made me stop drinking and she stayed over to wake my ass up for work this morning. I was happily surprised to find that I did not have a hang over, and that some part of my body remembers that I am still in my twenties, rather than my late thirties as I so often feel.

I waited all day to see if he would come in, I saw him for about five seconds. I was taking my break outside when he pulled up, he walked up to the counter grabbed a bag and by the time I walked in he was already leaving, may I just point out that he was extremely careful to avoid my eyes. After thinking about what Leah told me last night I decided not to go to the motel today, I will give him his space, to solve his damn mystery on his own, but I don't like it. I especially didn't like it today. It was quite odd having all that free time to me. I walked around the rooms, surfed the internet for vampire sightings, and read the library books, all with enough time to prepare homemade raviolis for Charlie.

I really hope that whatever bug crawled up Justin's ass gets removed soon. How did I not know I was this bored before?

Turning in early,

Bella

* * *

**_February 5, 2009_**

_Daria,_

It seems as if I am back to reporting what happens at the diner, since Justin is still out of my life. He didn't even order food from the diner today, I bet he went for pizza, since when is our food not good enough for him? You should be proud of me. I am showing incredible self control, not going to his motel room and breaking down the door. I can't understand what would cause him to shut me out like this. We were having such a good time together, it was nice and relaxed. We were good, making progress on the prophecy, he liked Jake and Jake said the wolf pack had no problems with him. So what went wrong? Why is he hiding? What is he hiding?

I hope he isn't hiding because he feels bad about the prophecy. I told him so many times that I will find a way around it; I will find a way to save Edward while still saving everyone else. I will be superhero Bella if necessary. I really hope his mood isn't about the prophecy. I hope he isn't having second doubts, I hope he isn't worrying about me, I hope, I just hope that this is something else. Something not about the prophecy; something so small, or so intimate that I have no business knowing about it. I feel it in my gut Daria, I know something big is coming, something is changing and this time has been a gift from god because there is no way that time can stand still for this long. The time for thinking is almost over, and soon I fear, we will have to act.. All the signs that were once only held together by good guesses and hunches are being confirmed daily. Now there is proof that we are not victims of an overactive imagination but following the breadcrumbs to a direct source.

Justin needs to get over whatever the hell this is soon. I have shown just about all the restraint I can, and maybe it is all this extra time to worry, or maybe there really is something big going on that is charging the air but I cannot deny a growing sense of paranoia in myself. The world is about to change soon, or maybe it is already changing, or changed, and the only thing I know for sure is that this problem cannot be solved with us divided. We need to be strong together, working together, working from our collective past to fit the pieces together and see the whole picture. Only then will we be able to find out what we are meant to do.

Decided and Determined,

Bella.

* * *

_Thanks to everyone reccing my fics, and for the awesome ladies who keep me writing in the WC's. _

_I hope you are enjoying reading this because I am having so much fun writing this story. _


	11. Morose

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt: _Morose  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: _M

* * *

_**February**__** 6, 2010**_

_Daria,_

He didn't come into the diner today. When he first didn't come I was pissed, I was hoping I wouldn't have to confront him, I was hoping he would come in on his own and we could pass off his weirdness as a phase, or possibly just ignore the entire incident. Now I am hoping that I didn't confront him. I would describe what happened at the diner today but it isn't important, and it doesn't look like I will be working there anymore. I don't think I will be working anywhere. I don't think, I can't think, because if I could I would be sitting in the corner of my room rocking back and forth trying to convince myself that it is all okay. So I have decided not to think, I told you that I was missing verbs in my life and well now is the time to change that, especially since I don't have much left. So right now, I refuse to think. No more lofty ideas, no more anything, even when I spill my guts to you it will just pour out through my hand, naturally without any real thought.

So here it goes.

When I got to Justin's place he was sitting in front of his computer, his face was pale, mouth was wide open, and his eyes were bloodshot. I made a sound, I knocked, I stamped my foot and he didn't hear me. The only thing he could do was stare at that screen. Horrible noises came out of the speakers and just when I thought they were over he would start them all over again. I stood in his doorway, waiting for him to acknowledge my presence, and while I waited, while I tried to get him to snap out of it, I heard it over and over and over again. I heard their voices pleading, begging, asking god why. I heard laughter, cruel and low. I heard death. I heard death, and I didn't know that there was such a sound before. It was horrible and scary, and god I… how can I possibly put it into words? _There are no words._ I was paralyzed in his doorway, unable to move, to think, to do anything but listen and I think he was too. I think it was disbelief that caused him to constantly replay it. Shock caused me to stand there. The two of us were stuck in a never ending cycle.

Thank god for maid service. Thank god for extremely late maids in a very small town. I think it was Mrs. Lantz that finally made us snap out of the infinite time loop. Although sometimes I hope, we were still in it, because when Justin finally realized I was standing there his face lost all color. We stood there awkwardly, facing one another while the maid just went about her business. I think I managed a half-assed wave, and he grimly smiled back. He didn't invite me in; he didn't say a word, so I invited myself in, walked to the bed and sat down.

Mrs. Lantz moved at almost a rapid speed trying to escape the almost suffocating heaviness that was killing every object in the room. But to me it felt like she was moving at a snail's pace. I longed to rip the damn cleaning supplies out of her hands and shove her out of the room. Why couldn't this be a bigger city? Why couldn't she just do the bare minimum: take the garbage, check for laundry, towels, soap, and then leave? It is not a hard process, boring, tiring, yes; hard, no.

So I sat there, on his bed waiting for answers. I tried thinking, trying to understand what the hell I walked in on, what could have possibly changed. We went from working together, to happiness and laughter, to him ignoring me, and now his deathly white stare at me. The way he looked at me, it was like I was a plague unwelcome in his house, as if my face and body held all the evils in the world. Somehow whatever he saw in me was worse than the sound of death that he constantly replayed. For the six and a half minutes that Mrs. Lantz was in the room, I wanted to cry and I Bella Swan, do not cry.

When the door finally shut I just sat on the bed and waited for Justin to say something, anything. I needed answers, but I couldn't find my voice. I didn't know where to start, and neither did he it seemed. After a few seconds, he sat down in his chair and went to replay the clip; that is when I lost it. I told him if he so much as touched the repay button I would kill him. I might have ranted and raged a little more than any sane person might have done but I am so far gone from sanity that if it was standing in front of me I wouldn't recognize it. Suddenly I found my voice, the voice I have been trying to suppress for the past few days and once I got started it all got out, but it was worth it. Somehow between the beginning and end of my rant Justin went from being so scared of me he almost hated me to feeling sorry, to helping me and consoling me.

I wish I was still screaming; I almost think I am.

It got worse after that, after he was calm and I was ready to listen. That's when he told me, everything. Daria, I don't want to tell you this, I want to live in the world pretending that this doesn't exist but I can't do that now. Justin tried, while he ignored me, he was trying to pretend like this doesn't exist until he saw that clip. Daria after I calmed down he showed me the clip; I vomited after seeing it for the first time. I now know why Edward would never let me watch him hunt. I always thought he was being overprotective, but he was being just as selfish as he claimed. If I saw him hunt, if I witnessed him doing what I saw in that clip I would know, I would know he was a monster; I wouldn't be able to pretend anymore.

Isn't it strange what happens when we actually witness something firsthand? When we hear things we can intellectualize them, we can pretend they don't exist, we can make excuses, we can say he didn't mean it, he was testing himself, he was saving others, but god damn I can't ignore this. He killed people. He killed people the same way that monster in the recording killed someone. His teeth sank into someone's flesh and fed off their blood. I am getting sick thinking of it now, imagining my Edward as that dark and evil creature is almost impossible for me. The man who told me he loved me, who wrote me such beautiful music, who sang me to sleep and treated me like the most fragile creature in the world is a killer, a murderer, by choice. And god Daria, this isn't the worst part. This clip is only what finally made Justin realize that he couldn't hide. It isn't what made him want to hide.

"_The one who loves and is loved back by a blood drinker is doomed to a life where he and she no longer exist, when the final barrier is broken, they both can perish and the rest will follow"_

Do you get it? He solved the mystery; he put together the prophecy as it is so far. So it's definite; I am going to die. I am going to kill him, or make it possible for someone else to kill him. So far the most obvious assumption is that the barrier is broken through sex but I don't think so. I can't think so. I hope not. I love him, or I loved him, but it was a long time ago. He owns my soul but god, can you imagine having sex with your soul mate knowing that doing so will be the death of them. Can you imagine opening up yourself, being that vulnerable knowing what was to follow? Am I wrong Daria? All I want to do is curl up inside myself and hide from the world and yet I am packing a duffel bag as we speak.

Vampires are fearless now. The Volturi is overthrown and chaos is spreading everywhere. They can kill hundreds of us in a night; they can continuously feed until they are beyond sated without any consequences. What will happen to us? As much as I want to hide I know I can't. Just like as much as I say I can't have sex with him I know I will. I know Edward will die by my hand, and I know that his death will lead to mine. The world is a terrible place and the fates are cruel.

Saying goodbye to Charlie will be the hardest thing in the world, and yet I cannot possibly let him think that I am doing anything more that going on a vacation. How can I possibly say goodbye to him and not let him know?

I really wish you could talk sometimes,

Bella

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Question to everyone: Would you prefer a disclaimer for extreme death or violence? Or just a vague warning? From this point on the M rating kicks in, and not for lemons, but the Cullens are coming soon!


	12. Worry

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt: _Worry  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: M_

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__**A/N: FROM HERE ON OUT EXPECT THE WORSE. PM ME IF YOU NEED TO KNOW MORE**_

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_**February **__**8, 2009**_

_Daria,_

The world has gone to shit. Sometimes I forget what a blessing it is to live in such an insulated town as Forks. Even with the internet and news that connects us to the outside world, it is almost easy to forget that there are other people out here. Coming to Justin's home has been earth shattering. Vamps are everywhere, everyone is talking about them, it is common knowledge, and there is hysteria in the air. People go everywhere in groups. People are walking around so slowly and cautiously as if they are afraid to trip and fall. I can't believe that Vampires are acting like snipers ready to take down the first person that spills a little blood, I mean as if they wouldn't be able to smell people, especially in fucking masses. But these people believe it so badly. There are still those who walk around with stakes and strands of garlic around their necks. Priests cling tightly to their holy water, and I am jealous of their blind faith. Renee used to tell me that belief in an object gives it power; of course she used to tell me this about silly things like stepping on a side-walk crack or the demons that I believed lurked in the carpet.

Do not laugh at me Daria, when I was a child I would sit and stare at the carpet or the patterns on tile and I would see faces. Faces in pain and agony and when I would sleep those faces would be there staring at me. Watching me sleep, waiting for the moment to attack me. There were many nights when I would crawl into Renee's bed and turn on all the lights to vanish those faces. Renee would whisper they were only in my mind, that by thinking about them I made them real. Can that work the other way? Can me believing in a holy water the way I believed in those faces save me? I hope so. Not so much for my own sake, I don't think I could ever believe in anything that strongly but for theirs. I hope they find peace, I hope they find safety. Wouldn't it be a nice change if faith and religion could save lives rather than destroy them?

Here,

Bella

* * *

_**February 9, 2009**_

_Daria,_

My dad called today, Jessica is dead. It seems that the vampires have finally infiltrated Forks. He asked me when I was going back home for the funeral, and god the tears started pouring out even more. I had to get off the phone, I had to because I couldn't explain to my father how I wasn't going back home for my best friends funeral. I couldn't explain to him that I wasn't going back ever. Telling him one truth would lead to me telling him everything that has ever happened in Forks. How could I tell him that I saw this coming and said nothing? How can I explain that I wanted to pretend it wasn't real and maybe I helped whatever this is along by ignoring it?

My best friend is dead, I will never see my mother or father again and the only person who was here to console me was Justin. A man who is really just a boy, a man I just met a month ago, a man who is not ready for any of this. It is unfair what life puts at our feet, not everyone can be atlas, and some of us can only carry so much before we collapse under the weight of it all.

I am praying I am not at that point yet, until the last person truly alive dies I won't stop fighting for hope. For the future. I already know what my future holds, but there are kids being born everyday who shouldn't have to fear death for decades, instead their parents are fretting for their safety now. Jessica is dead Daria, every time I think reality has hit me over the head and I couldn't be more shocked the fates prove me wrong. Please god, don't let anything else happen to someone I love.

No words,

Bella

* * *

**_February 10, 2009_**

_Daria_,

I want to mourn for Jessica. I want to wear black and cry and remember all the silly things she said to me. Instead I am here, buried in books and a dead man's nonsensical dribbles. I am so out of it and I have been horrible to Justin today with all my complaining and wishing I was somewhere else. It wasn't until I left him in his father's office that I realized how hard this must be for him. Here he is sitting in his father's office trying desperately to understand a world he never knew existed until a few months before and I am sitting there complaining about my best friend dying.

And I mean, I know I have a right to complain, I have a right to mourn her but he has a right to mourn his father too. He has a right to be a prick for a few days and sit there and say screw you and cry his brains out, but he doesn't. He hasn't. Maybe he did that before he met me, but he couldn't have done it enough could he have? If Charlie were to die and suddenly I was all that was left to take his place I cannot imagine being in any sort of mind frame to immediately move into his office and take over. And this is way more personal, I mean we are not only moving into his office, we are reading this man's journals, his innermost thoughts however random they are. It's not like we are reading his personal thoughts; I mean they are mostly just findings, like puzzle pieces. But still, I don't know … I think I stopped making sense a while ago but the main point was that I was a selfish bitch today.

Just not a good day,

Bella

* * *

**_February 11, 2009_**

_Daria,_

So today we hit the crazy journal. Justin's dad was seriously losing his marbles towards the end. There are pages and pages of dribble. _All Blood Flows Red. The Smallest Drop Is All. Change One. Back and Forth, endless cycles._ Honestly, they sound like rejected Beatles lyrics. At least Justin was able to find something that made a little more sense, a number with contact info. We googled him (yes we googled someone) and he has a background in mythology, he's was a professor and it seems there is some sort of controversy surrounding him. This made Justin nervous but it made me know that he was the absolute right person. Three weeks ago if someone were to mention that Vampires could go out in the sun or that they sparkled or couldn't be killed by a stake he would be laughed at; especially in an academic setting. Still, I am a little nervous about letting someone else in and I think Justin is too. This is just so personal, it is my future and his past, and to let a total stranger in seems totally unfair but what choice do we have? We argued and debated but we both know we are going to call him tomorrow.

Bella

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**_February 12, 2009_**

_Daria,_

I spent all day reading the books I brought from Forks Library. I forgot I packed them and really considered mailing them back but that seemed a little silly, so I might as well benefit from my mistake. I can't deal with the damn journals right now. Jessica's funeral is going on right now. Her body is being laid in the ground and at least these books are spiritual. They are hopeful and uplifting and I need their soothing words much more than I need to read the musings of a mad man. One can only read " _All Blood Flows Red All Blood Flows Red All Blood Flows Red All Blood Flows Red All Blood Flows Red All Blood Flows Red All Blood Flows Red All Blood Flows Red All Blood Flows Red All Blood Flows Red All Blood Flows Red," _so many times before going insane. I swear I dream in red, the television is always on, and all I see is red, images of hospitals, of victims. Blood is the only thing on everyone's mind and I just want it to end. I am half looking forward to the day that this all ends and I can no longer worry about my blood, or my heart, in some really fucked up place in my mind it is a comforting thought that there is the chance I will not make it through this

The funeral service just ended. I can picture Elizabeth holding up her mother while the two watch one third of their trio be lowered into the ground. A dozen white, because Jessica hated red, roses on her casket. From the earth to the earth. My best friend is dead, and I can't be there to… to just be there. To tell crappy stories, to hold Elizabeth's hand, to cry. I can't do anything but talk to you, and imagine it occurring. God Daria, what would I do without you?

Across the room from me Justin is holding the phone in one hand twirling the card in the other. I think he is even less excited for me to let someone in. I want to take the phone and dial the number myself but I doubt the mystery man would take my call; at least Justin has his father's name to make the connection easier. I want to walk over to Justin and give him a hug. Ever since we arrived on the shore he has been so lost, so forlorn and heartbroken that I just want to hug him. Constantly. I'm not sure if it is because we are in his home, or if it because the news of vampire deaths are increasing every day, or if he was always like this and my day to day life in Forks just distracted me.

I would give anything to hear Jake and Leah's voice right now, but I can't call them. I can't lay all this on them, god know they are probably out there day and night fighting the leeches. I wouldn't be surprised if the entire reservation was changing now. I just hope it is all over soon, like tomorrow, but I know that's not possible.

Oh, he just picked up the phone. I think he is actually going to call him.

Bella


	13. Red

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt: _Red  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: M_

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_**Febrauary 14, 2009**_

Daria,

I missed a day. Well not really a day was stolen from me. Someone took twenty four hours of my life away from me, and I mean I used to sleep away twenty four hours of my life, but I don't have that kind of time anymore. I don't need anyone taking something that has suddenly become so fucking precious, I don't need to deal with fucking ego's, or politics, all I want to do is wait for this to end. I want to die. I do, but I sure as hell do not want some old fucking man drugging me and making this shit harder. I want to choose the when and how, I want to do this right. Sometimes I wonder why the hell they don't ever show Superman or Sherlock Holmes dealing with all the red tape. Not that I am a superhero or a fucking brilliant detective but honestly I am trying to do a bit of good here right?

I should probably explain.

Yesterday we went to Professor Hunt; he was the contact Justin found in his father's journal. I was nervous and I think Justin was too, I mean we were excited of course, but we had no idea what to expect. We had no idea what type of man this guy was, but we couldn't not take the chance. At least we thought we couldn't not take it. Now I wish I had, I wish we had.

Of course when we got there we felt safe. Professor Hunt was this really frail man in his late seventies. He wore these adorable black glasses, and I just wanted to give him a hug. I barely remember my grandparents but he looks like what I imagined they would end up like. His home was warm; it smelled like books and cinnamon.

There was nothing controversial about this man. Nothing, nothing that could have hinted… that could have made me think…

We stumbled our way into the conversation, I mean we knew that he studied Vampires and the articles we found on him suggested that he knew they were real. I mean he veered very far from the traditional mythology surrounding them but we didn't know for sure. He sat there, his blue eyes watching us half focused half amused. I guess he was just humoring us because when we finally got to the prophecy he took over. He asked us questions, he wanted to see my scar, he asked what we learned what we thought, how it could be interpreted. We gave him information, we were so anxious to share and talk this through with someone that we shared too freely, we gave too much away. Still even then I didn't know, I mean I felt comfortable with him, I trusted him, and everything about him drew me to him. I still can't believe he was all bad; I still kind of regret what happened. Maybe I just can't think ill of anyone, maybe I want to believe in humanity if I am risking everything to save us. Maybe, maybe, maybe, everything about my life lately has been filled with maybes.

The last memory I have from yesterday is sitting in Professor Hunt's study discussing the prophecy. Even that is fuzzy, I remember being sleepy but I figured it was due to the tea and the fireplace. It could have also been his voice, it was soothing, and after about five minutes of him telling us everything he knew my mind started to wander. It became harder to keep my eyes open but I fought it because I didn't want to be rude. I didn't want to offend him, and because what he was saying was pretty damn important. So I sat there waging a war against my eyelids as he told us everything. I mean everything, all we had to do was give him the pieces of the puzzle and he put them together for us.

I just wish I can remember what he said.

My memories from after the tea are blurry. There's little scenes, images without words, words without images, I keep trying to stitch it all together but it still doesn't make any sense. I remember this one bit, where I asked what the final barrier must be broken meant and told me that half of that part of the process was already done but it had to be done both ways. He pointed at the scar on my hand. The final barrier. I have to change? I asked him, he shook his head and smiled. He has tasted your blood, now you must taste his. But he doesn't have blood, Justin said, and the man just smiled at us. Maybe he does have blood, or maybe the venom is his blood, but how? Wouldn't me taking his venom make me a vampire, and him drinking my blood shouldn't have any effect on him. I didn't understand, he told me I needed to trust the prophecy, then he said something else but I can't quite remember it is there on the edge on my consciousness but it's not there. I can't…. GOD DAMN IT. I don't understand why he would tell us everything, if he knew he was going to do this to us, it makes no sense. But maybe the only reason he told me everything was because he knew I wouldn't remember.

He knew Justin wouldn't remember, that had to planned right? I hope it was, is that wrong? I hope he didn't just randomly decide to kill Justin when we got there, if it was planned there was a reason to it, if it was planned than I can feel better, I don't even know why thinking like this is making me feel better but it is. Justin's face is the clearest part of my night. I woke up sometime between being drugged and being rescued. I don't think it was suppose to happen, maybe I didn't drink enough, maybe he thought he would be ready for me to wake up, I don't know. But for whatever reason I woke up bound and gagged on the chair, half out of my mind, and scared shitless until I saw Justin on the ground, except he wasn't bound. He was just lying there. Still. Pale. There was blood pooled around his head, and I thought of his father. All Blood Flows Red. His blood, my blood, Jessica's blood. I wanted to throw up, I wanted to scream, I wanted to rush to him and save him, I didn't think much about saving my own ass. No self-preservation instinct as Edward would tell me. If I had I might have thought about the fact that screaming would alert the professor to my being awake. If I had I might have thought about the fact that he would try and shut me up. If I had I might not have had him swing a damn shovel at my head.

It turns out my blood flows red too.

And now I am here, in this room a bandage on my head, drugs at my side. I wish I knew who saved me but they have to be humane to bandage me up and take care of me right? The sheets are soft, the blanket is luxurious, I could almost believe I was at a hotel if there were any windows around. Once again I find myself at someone else's mercy. This shit is getting old pretty quickly.

All kinds of fucked up,

Bella.


	14. Comfort

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt: _Comfort  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: M_

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_**February**__** 15, 2009**_

Daria,

I woke up screaming. My face was damp with tears and there were two cold hands in a vice-like grip around my stomach. I was sure I was dead. Or at least I would be soon. The only thought that went through my head was 'Fuck that shit'. I kicked, twisted, punched, pulled, scratched, scream, bit, and cursed; everything I could do to get free I did but the cold hands wouldn't budge. Then I prayed that this was just a dream a continuation of my nightmare. Then I hoped, that if this was just a dream maybe the day before was a dream so Justin wouldn't be dead, and the day before that so Jess would still be alive, and on and on until I was back in my dreary existence in forks. But that wasn't meant to happen. Then finally as I prayed and my body stopped fighting the cold hands, I became limp and just accepted the fact that I would die. Tears were still running down my face when I finally realized that the hand on my back was not holding me captive but making soothing circles, and that the hands around my waist were relaxed holding me in a loving embrace not keeping me hostage. "Bella, honey, shh it's okay." A familiar voice whispered, but I couldn't place it. Finally I opened my eyes and lifted my head and I felt like a complete and udder failure for not knowing that sweet loving voice.

The vampire who I was certain would be my murderer was holding me tight and comforting me. The vampire who I thought would be my murderer is the least likely person in the world to hurt anyone. I looked at Esme and stared for a full second before I actually comprehended that I was looking at _Esme_, but as soon as I did my arms were wrapped around her neck and my face was buried in her neck. Despite that she and I were actually the same age all I could think when I saw her was that I had my mother back. I love Renee but I can't deny that I will always consider Esme to be another mother. As soon as I became the one holding her in the tight embrace I heard bell like laughter that could only be one other person and without abandoning Esme I reached behind and pulled Alice into an awkward three way hug, but I didn't care. I was just so fucking happy Daria.

First of all: I was not dead. Second of All: Esme and Alice were here. Thirdly: That had to mean Edward was within reach. I laughed and asked how they saved me, and Alice smiled she opened her mouth to speak but before she could Rosalie and Emmett walked in, announcing that Alice was not allowed to have all the credit. Alice huffed and said that it was all her doing since she saw me in a vision and called Rose and Emmett back home to get me, but they rolled their eyes. Emmett rushed forward and picked me up, in a bear hug that almost broke every bone in my body but I smiled and laughed, and hugged him back. He set me down in front of Rose, and we kind of just looked at each other for a second. I moved awkwardly not sure what to do, Rose stood there and stared at me, then looked to Esme. I want to blame her, but I really can't I mean I am destined to kill her brother so her not smiling at me is not worth the drama. So I stepped back, learned my place, and asked them how they found me which started a long and amusing conversation during which everyone just started talking over each other trying to tell everyone's point of view at once. I just sat there watching the familiar family bickering and felt like I finally found what was missing all those years I was by myself.

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't check the door every second to see if Edward was just going to pop up but he didn't. I think the Cullens for the most part tried to pretend that they didn't see me and I went along with it. Always hinting but never asking. I was in too good of a mood to spoil it by asking them where their son/brother was so I could go and kill him for the good will of human kind. So I pretended because I am good at it, I laughed and smiled, and I really didn't need to fake that much. I truly am happy to see them. I just feel like there is a dark cloud hanging over every moment with them, reminding me of what the future holds.

Happy,

Bella

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_**February**__**16, 2009**_

_Daria,_

I woke up this morning and I smiled. Yesterday I woke up screaming and this morning I woke up smiling, isn't it amazing what a change a day can make? Everything that happened yesterday was like a band aid for my life. It was a quick fix that made me feel better so I didn't have to actually look at where I was, all I cared about was that I had my family back, but it isn't fair to Justin and Jessica to close up my mind and pretend like none of this isn't happening. Just because I am happy doesn't mean that there aren't people out in the world suffering. Plus I mean the room I am sleeping in doesn't have windows. The Cullen's house at Forks was wide open light was allowed in everywhere which can only mean that they are hiding, today I was too scared to talk but I am writing in you (because I normally follow through with everything I write in you) to promise that I will talk about this. I will try and find answers I will try and move on because I cannot stay here wrapped up in my illusion of safety.

Sure,

Bella

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_**February **__**17, 2009**_

_Daria,_

Alice went out this morning. I knew she fucking saw my decision damn little fucking ggggggggrrrr. You have no idea; I was stuck with Emmett ALL DAY. I mean I love him, and he has this insane way of making me forget that anything outside the world is happening but I wanted to remember today. The entire point of today was to remember and get answers.

I kind of feel bad for Emmett though, I am not going to lie. Alice leaving had me really pissed off so I pestered him all day. I asked him incessant question after question. Where is Edward? Where is Carlisle? What about Jasper? What is going on with the Volturi? Where is Edward? Why are you guys hiding? Every ten seconds I would start time and time again. I really thought I could break him down, but I mean I got annoying even to my own ears so we chilled and played some video games. He totally kicked my ass and I debated getting him to wear a bandana so he would have to play blind but he'd probably still beat my ass, because yes I suck that much.

Eventually I started again and he just gave me this look. This look that doesn't fit the face of a guy like Emmett, it was too sad, too old and too serious. Emmett is supposed to be happy. He is supposed to be the one that you can always go to just to forget, he is the one who makes everything normal. And he has been since I have been here I suppose. I mean all day was pretty freaking normal until that look. When he looked at me like that I just became so tired. I didn't want all the answers, (well okay I kind of did) but at that point I just wanted to be a good friend. I wanted to let him talk because I don't think he ever gets the chance to. Especially with the boys all gone. Maybe he talks to Rose, and maybe I was judging her but it seemed like with their personalities that Emmett would be the shoulder to cry on and Rose would be the one who ranted or cried.

So I asked him straight out if he was okay. He just smiled that stupid grin after a second and nodded. I let go of my controller, fell backwards and looked at the ceiling filled with a pretty lighting fixture. And asked, "What the hell is up with the windows?" I turned my head and I could have sworn I was able to see the laughter rise up from his well, wherever the hell laughter comes from until the sound was filling up the room. "You have no fucking idea." He said, and then some of the answers started spilling out. So today I learned that the Cullen's are prisoners now that their kind is out in the open. Which can I be honest makes no fucking sense but the world is all fucked up and shit? This is for two reasons: One, other vampires do not approve of their life choices and apparently they can smell them or they come now and visit them. I don't know, Emmett didn't really make sense. He just rambled and rambled but the other reason is really fucked up. The second reason is because humans, when it is sunny out, see the fucking sparkles and come here to pick a fight with them. Hello? Really are some of my own kind really that fucking stupid to come picking fights with indestructible beings and I mean the Cullen's don't want to hurt them, but they go and then hurt them fucking selves on accident and then the blood and then well they try not to but for the first time I realize why Jasper might not be here with me, and I am satisfied that at least one of my questions has been answered.

Satisfied,

Bella


	15. Slip

The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt:

Slip  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: M_

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_**February **__**18, 2009**_

_Daria,_

I am no longer with the Cullens. I mean it was never going to happen and by 'it' of course I mean my fantasy of them welcoming me to stay with them and then offering their assistance to help me in any way they could. I would then of course refuse their offer on the grounds that it meant harming Edward and possibly themselves, but they would then tell me that I was one of them and they would help me in every way. But no, that didn't happen because I am not one of them, as much as I say I love them and as much as they love me we are not the same. There are fundamental differences, ties that have been strengthening for decades and I have known them what a few years, and they have been absent most of that time. I do not doubt their love for me, I knew that it would be crazy to stay with them; I just wish it didn't happen so soon. I was finally comfortable with them, finally safe and relaxed for a few seconds, now I am out here; sleeping in the Cullen's car with a wad full of cash and only Rosalie's hints to go on.

I guess I should explain that huh?

Well I don't think Alice was avoiding me and my incessant questions. I think that I am in so far over my head that I lost sight of how this is affecting them. I mean they are vampires for Christ sake. This is completely affecting them, maybe in my mind I thought it was good for them, like it seems to be good for every other vampire in the universe, except now I finally like really, really get that the Cullen's aren't like any other vampires in the universe. While they should be out celebrating not being detected and go feasting like everyone else they are the ones hiding. Carlisle is risking his life out there saving people; Jasper is hiding in the middle of nowhere to get rid of the blood that just seems always present in the air. Alice is almost out of her mind, forcing visions of the future trying to both protect her family and save as many as she can. Esme is worried sick and trying to keep track of Carlisle and her family. Then there is Emmett and Rose who are Alice's army whenever a fight is about to occur. The Cullen's are seen as a threat to the chaos that the vampire world seems to be in favor of and it makes sense that they are being targeted; they are powerful, have strong ties to the Volturi and possess the talents of three gifted vampires. What Emmett spit out in a hurried lackadaisical way Rosalie said in the clearest way possible. She made everything perfectly clear. Some would say crystal even.

Especially about the part of me getting the hell out of there. Yeah, she was quite clear about that, but the thing I hate about Rosalie is how much I cannot hate her the way I once did. Getting older sucks sometimes, it makes you change the way you view the world around you and now I know that my stupid insecurities about my own beauty made me really hate her and that is so stupid because I didn't even know her.

Still when she came into my room this morning I was nervous. I wanted Emmett or Esme, preferably Alice but who knows where the hell she went off to. I was pissed that I got stuck with Rosalie. I was even more pissed when she started talking. I wanted nothing more than to go off and figure out the damn prophecy so I could come back and kill her. She made me feel worthless, like I was the most inconsiderate person on the face of the planet. Once again I am fucking up her family. I am putting them all in very difficult positions. She said that they would never kick me out but they are too busy to take the time out to protect me, I could almost hear her muttering worthless human beneath her breath. And apparently all my presence is doing is making it harder on Emmett and Esme who have both slipped since the war began, well that and making them miss Edward. I am making them sad, and hungry, and I need to leave. I mean there was more, but I really don't want to get into it. I have better things to think about, like Edward.

Rosalie basically bribed me to leave. She offered up the one thing I can never say no to: information about Edward. The dumb fuck actually joined the Volturi after he left me. He went there asking them to kill his sorry excuse of an ass (well a handsome sorry excuse) but they refused and asked him to join to which he refused. One would think they were at a standstill, but then you would have to severely underestimate the Volturi. They decided they would torture him into breaking, so they locked him in a room for days, then weeks, and when he still wouldn't join, they left him inside the room with a human. He was starving and they were trying their damndest to break him.

I hate them.

He broke.

I couldn't believe it when Rosalie said he slipped but it was inevitable, I was kind of proud of him for lasting so long. I was even more proud when I found out that he didn't break completely after the first time. They kept pushing him again and again. Until, knowing Edward, his guilt overcame all his resistance and he convinced himself that he deserved to be there.

The moon is high in the sky right now. When I was younger, after I demanded that we stop vacationing in Forks and we began spending the summers in California Charlie once drove me back to Phoenix. I think he didn't know how to entertain an eleven year old so the thought of being together in the car without having to talk appealed to him as an easy way to kill three days without being guilty. But I am off track, the thing I remember most from that trip besides constant rotation of Beatles songs and the insane diet I got away with while driving at night. I would lay in the backseat and stare out the window while Charlie would hum along off-key to the radio and all I could think of was that the moon was following me. One time the silence was too much, maybe Charlie didn't know the words or he was starting to fall asleep, I don't really remember… All I remember is voicing my opinion and him looking at me with that look that just made me know he was my dad. It was silly and sentimental and proud and I don't know just a look a father gives his daughter, then he smiled at me and told me that the moon follows us to protect over me because he can't be there all the time. It was just, so out of character for him, and he stumbled a bit afterward and turned up the radio but it meant a lot to me and it stayed with me so much that even right now I am wondering if Edward can see the moon. And maybe, maybe it makes me feel a little better thinking that he can. I don't really care how cheesy that is.

A little silly and sad,

Bella

* * *

February 22, 2009

Daria,

The car smells. Like really bad. I haven't done anything but drive and get some gas. I refuse to turn on the radio because I want to live in my bubble right now. I don't want to think about what the damn vampires are doing, or what the humans are doing to each other. The only time I leave my bubble is to call Charlie and Renee and tell them I am fine. Charlie wants me to come home now. He is scared and I want to go home and I want to tell him everything. All I can do is tell him to make sure he stays with Billy Black. Yesterday I talked to Jacob and he is worried. Seth was injured really badly in a fight they had and Leah is playing guard dog over them. He said they managed to kill four and I was happy and I congratulated him; the worst part was that I meant it.

I am genuinely happy that he killed vampires and god can you believe what a fucked up world I am living in. Three days ago I was living with vampires and considering them my family and now I am happy that Jake is killing them. I mean, I wouldn't be happy if he killed the Cullen's but I think it is finally sinking in what Edward told me all those years ago. They are not like everyone else. They are monsters.

Is it sick that everything that is happening makes me love him a little more?

Somewhere in France,

Bella

* * *

February 23, 2009.

Daria,

Nothing happened today. I drove. I peed. I got gas twice. One of the gas station people greeted me with a gun, to be fair it was cloudy out so the sunlight wouldn't have given away my awesome sparkliness if I was a vampire. You would think my lack of speed gave it away but maybe he was just an idiot. Or maybe vamps go around walking at human speed to be all sneaky and pay with their food before eating it. I don't know, all I know is the road.

Still living in isolation,

Bella

* * *

February 24, 2009.

Daria,

I am sick. I am throwing up. I am oh my god, I don't have words. I am in possession of an eighteen month old. She keeps screaming and I tried to feed her and all she does is cry, and cry and cry. I want to call Renee but I can't because she will ask questions. I really fucking wish that Rosalie gave me Esme's number because she knows how to deal with baby's right?

I want to cry, and I want to hide and scream and I can't do anything because all of a sudden this life is counting on me. Well I mean, she has shut up now and is sleeping in the backseat. I am not that bad of a person to update while she is crying. And no I have not been driving with an infant without a car seat. I took the car seat out of her parent's car.

I guess I should explain huh? Well it is odd but it is pretty simple. I was getting gas again, there was another car there but it was a minivan and I figured that the people travelling in it just went inside for the normal shit, until I went into the store to pay for my gas and fell on my ass. Normally this isn't shocking, normally me falling is a sign that all is right in the world until of course I realized that I slipped in blood. All of a sudden I slipped I fell, I was dizzy and sick and then I lifted my hand and saw the blood on it. Only then did I understand that somehow within the past month I have become so used to the smell of blood in the air that it no longer makes me sick. It is just always there, permeating everything, smelling blood on a regular basis has become normal, how sick is that?

Anyway I got the kid because her parents are dead. I know this because I tripped and fell in their blood. I am not sure why the vampires didn't kill the kid. Probably not enough blood, I mean it wouldn't be a fulfilling meal would it? Oh god, did I just think that? What the hell is happening to me? I am becoming so fucking desensitized.

Oh god, the kid just puked up some nasty shit and is screaming again. I might need to venture out into the world of people. I am clearly unsuited for this new role fate has given me.

Scared, freaked out, help me?

Bella

* * *

Okay so I have19 days to post the next 10 chapters if I want to finish on time. I really want to so we will see. Hopefully I can time it out to every day or two, but you might get a few fasst chapter updates at the end.

I really hope you are all enjoying this.

-Rachel


	16. Dark

__

The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt:Dark  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: M_

* * *

_**February 25, 2009**_

_Daria,_

Babies cry a lot, thankfully the motion of the car pretty much puts this one to sleep, but I kind of think that lures me into a false sense of security. Like when I finally think I can take a break and let my mind wander or piece together the few remaining clues that I haven't even thought about since Justin, well, you know. But no, because just when I think I can, I no longer can because she wakes up. I feel really badly not knowing her name, and I feel even weirder when I think about giving her a new name. I can't just take away her identity like that, I mean her parents probably read all these baby books and argued because her father wanted to name her after his mother or grandmother who totally hated his wife. Or maybe the baby was just born and they knew right away what she is to be called. Still, I can't call her 'it' all day or scream out 'hey you'. So I am calling her blue. I mean I know it is not a name, but it is something, and it is a little bit of a tribute to her parents. They were driving a blue minivan, but maybe it was a rental, or maybe one of them hated the color blue, I don't know but I feel so odd being responsible for this whole other person.

I will never again say that taking care of Renee was equal to taking care of a child. It is just not true, this is hard.

Bella

* * *

_**February 26, 2009**_

_Daria,_

Something is wrong with Blue. When I first got her or found her or whatever, she was crying and she puked but I mean I thought it was something that babies just did until this afternoon. I mean all day yesterday she slept, and well babies are supposed to cry, but then people sleep when they are sick and they are healing. I just thought I'd know, you know? Like I don't know if babies get sick, they should have red blinking lights over their heads saying exactly what is wrong with them.

Did I mention all the diapers and food I stole from the van is almost gone. I thought that shit would last for a week, but Blue craps herself a lot. Oh yeah, I totally stole from the parents car, but only stuff for their kid so maybe it's not as wrong as it seems?

I'm at a hotel in town tonight. I figure I will start trying to find some people. If there are enough people around, doctors are sure to be there too right? Or even a mother? I am flustered right now. Her skin is hot and I went into the grocery store but they were all out of all medical supplies. I begged the clerk but he said they had nothing left. I think he was lying but he might not have been. Every day it gets harder to find food; to find people. When I paid for this room the lady at the front desk made a comment that everyone starts rolling in at night to the girl sitting next to her which confused me. But as I am writing in this and looking out the window I can't help but notice the shadows moving in the darkness. Is this what we are really reduced to? Living in the darkness, in isolation, how have we switched roles with them so easily?

I want to go out there and talk to them, to see if I can find a doctor but I am pretty sure it is not good to leave Blue in here all on her own. I mean I am pretty sure it is not good to even have her sleeping on the bed with me without those bar things that keep them safe, but she is barricaded in by an army of pillows, and I will make sure she doesn't fall.

Do you think I could trust the old lady to watch Blue for a quick second? I mean the way she was looking at her; it was filled with such longing. Maybe her granddaughter was killed, maybe her daughter, or maybe she is just creepy; but I have a good feeling.

I just can't let her get worse, and I don't want to take her outside, and this might be the only chance I get to see what is going on. Anyway you have to gamble to win the prize right?

Let's just pray this is the right choice,

Bella

* * *

_**February 27, 2009**_

_Daria_,

I took the chance yesterday and risked it. I asked the lady (Mrs. Bessler) if she would mind looking over Blue so I could run out for a second. I explained Blue was sick and sleeping, and I would only be out for a minute; I just needed to find some medicine. She immediately agreed, and told me she would check in on her every little bit, then smiled at me, that indulgent _I know exactly how hard it is to leave your children alone look,_ when I hesitated walking out the door. I think it was that smile that made me trust her. That smile also made me realize that I have become really attached really quickly and I actually fell in love with the kid.

I walked outside and tried to follow the general direction of the people walking, it looked like some sort of mass migration, except they didn't walk in unity. People straggled, walked far apart, but somehow they were all walking in the same direction. I moved forward and tried to step close enough so someone would let me in, but as soon as I got too close they started walking faster and ignored me. I wanted to shout and scream, instead I ran, because my heart was still in that room with the little girl and I was taking a big fucking chance leaving her alone in that hotel and I wouldn't let that risk be for nothing. So I ran, yes my clumsy ass ran and in my head I could hear Jake screaming 'Run Forest, Run' at me, and I swore I would keep going until I reached the beginning and figured out where the hell they were going.

Except I am me.

Bella Swan, klutz extraordinaire. I fell and tripped and that is when someone finally took notice. I guess seeing another person in pain conflicts with our survival instincts; this nice man who reminded me a bit of Billy Black came and helped me up. He asked if I was okay, and I nodded. I asked him where they were going and I didn't receive an answer, and then I asked him if he knew a doctor and he nodded, he told me to walk with him.

We walked in silence until we reached a clearing and suddenly I realized that everyone was coming here: in this clearing in the woods. I was convinced it was all some huge plot for the vampires to get us together and have a feast. My heart was racing, and I think the man next to me heard it because he offered an encouraging smile. After about two minutes of sitting there waiting a man came into the clearing, well he was not actually a man at all, but Carlisle. When he stepped into the clearing I gasped, which everyone ignored except Carlisle, who briefly looked at me but never actually acknowledged that he knew me. But it didn't matter. Seeing him made me instantly feel safer and immediately I knew two things: One, I wasn't going to die and two; Blue would get the help she needs. The only worry I had then was hoping I made the right choice leaving her with . For ten minutes I stood there, trying to make my way forward, but I could never get close enough.

Soon enough after the clearing was filled he started talking. He asked for unity and understanding between his world and their own. He wanted them to not live in fear, and that is precisely where I tuned out. I love Carlisle but he is naive and after hundreds maybe even thousands of years he thinks peace and love will make the world go round. Humans are being hunted in massive quantities, they are hiding, and what's even worse is that there is no way to kill a vampire. Everything we were taught in myths, garlic, stakes, sunlight, holy water it doesn't work. Sunshine makes them fucking sparkle, wood can't penetrate and all holy water will do is make them clean. The idea of vampires makes me not believe in a god. Every animal god created has the ability to die, even myths and stories about the angels and demons the main thing is that there is always a mortality, even for the immortals. There is always an option to die. Vampires can in theory die, but not by ordinary people, they are free to feed on us without giving us any protection and here Carlisle is asking us not to try and hurt them? What the hell. It is not fair to expect us to lie down and die and I want to leave but all I can think of is Blue sitting in the Inn, so I stay and imagine everything I would say to Carlisle and argue against him.

But his ramblings also making me try and figure out ways I can protect myself. I need to find Edward and break the last barrier. I need to drink his blood (even though he has none and creepy killer man wouldn't tell me how to) and then he needs to drink mine again? But what about Blue and I, what can we do until then? I know Edward burned James so maybe I can light them on fire, but how does that work? And how can I keep them still enough. Would it be safe to travel with a child and explosive devices? Maybe I can buy gasoline and just trap them somewhere for a second and then BOOM.

Wow, go me for being off topic again. So basically this is a really long story and it has no point because after all that talk of being one with the vampires he took off. And I know he saw me. He looked at me and he recognized me and I waited for him the entire time and then he disappeared into the darkness and I took that whole chance for nothing. He just fucking ran away covered in the darkness of night. The man I came with turned and looked at me, he just kind of shrugged and apologized saying that he normally stays to help out.

So then I knew. He normally helps out just not when I am involved. He was running from me. All I wanted was a way to help Blue, but she feels a little cooler now so maybe it will all turn out fine in the end.

Bella


	17. Bound

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt: _Bound  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: M_

* * *

_**February 28, 2009**_

_Daria,_

I shouldn't even try to figure things out anymore. I am always so far off from what is right. And I mean way off, like looking for the sun and ending up in the arctic during its dark period, no sun, no heat, no light. I mean I can't say that we were all wrong, we kind of got the how part but really that is stretching it, Justin and I had no idea what we were doing. We couldn't be blamed we were just handed all these little ideas, all these little clues that we had no way of tying them together.

Thank god for Carlisle.

It turns out he is not an idiot. Not that I ever seriously thought he was. Well, yesterday when I saw him trying to convince humans and vampires to be friends I thought maybe, maybe, he was an evil genius but I never thought he was an idiot. Turns out he is neither; turns out he is really as amazing as I always thought and I have never been happier to have someone just come along and give me all the answers, because that is exactly what Carlisle did this morning.

He just walked right into my room, while I was in the middle of feeding Blue and raised an eyebrow. I naturally had to explain to him what I was doing with a baby, and in the middle of explaining the circumstances I got angry at him because I remembered why I went out yesterday and that he ignored me and he was the reason I was almost dead on my feet. When I got home Blue was sleeping and she felt cool, until the middle of the night when she started whining and moaning and I couldn't do anything to get her quiet. She has fallen asleep in five minute intervals on my chest and shoulder, and while it is adorable, and I can't really be mad at her because when she does sleep she is so damn perfect I can be irritated and tired and cranky. So naturally I shoved her in Carlisle's face and told him to fix her.

His face was priceless, but naturally he examined her and did in fact fix her. She had an ear infection, and he gave her some antibiotics, which he of course just happened to have with him? Alice's doing definitely.

Alice is really involved in all of this. She is always there pulling the strings telling us where to go what to do, showing up at just the right time to help out but not long enough to give answers. She is so annoying, but I love her. But I hate her. But then again, her meddling has brought Carlisle here who has basically given me a map with a big red X and told me what I need to do, not that I like what I have to do, then fixed Blue. So yeah maybe I love her.

I just don't love the news she tends to bring with her.

Remember that book I had a while back? The one that Justin was reading and I ordered from the library the Bhagavad Gita? I was reading it for fun and contemplating theories of souls but it turns out it wasn't fun reading. It was really stupid for me and Justin to disregard it because we couldn't see how it was connected, that book is everything.

I should read it and maybe I will but Carlisle gave me the for dummies version which I will re-explain to you. See there is this idea that instead of the traditional Judeo-Christian idea of a soul that is part of the individual there is like this one gigantic universal soul and that every person shares a piece of it. Like a communist soul, well communist sounds bad, but the good type of theoretical communism where everyone sings kumbaya and there is peace and joy and love. Okay so well there is this big soul and it encompasses all of human life and when we are alive we kind of like rent out a piece of it, but we don't own it, we are still connected to the larger soul.

Well during the change to become a vampire your soul is changed a long with the rest of you, and you are cut off from the rest of humanity. That is what makes us not able to kill them, they are not connected to us, but they can kill each other. When the original vampire was made, he changed someone, and they changed someone else and further and further down the line until all the vampires are connected, they have their own over soul. They share blood.

So Carlisle explained that all we have to do is re-open the connection between humans and vampires, we need to make ourselves equals. And only Edward and I can do that. Only Edward and I would be crazy enough to do that. We know the how, well we know most of the how, that is what me and Justin were able to discover. I need to make the final connection and break the final barrier, the separation of our souls.

I need to drink his venom.

He needs to drink my blood. He needs to drink my blood and not leave any venom inside me. He has to be able to control himself enough not to kill me and then actually go back and make my blood clean. Then I need to drink from him, and somehow, despite my concerns Carlisle insists that drinking the venom is not equivalent it being deposited in my bloodstream, as it would be during a bite. I personally think it is bullshit, and I am half scared they want to change me so I don't complete the prophecy and they can live happily ever after, and then I remember that this is the Cullen's and I am just being paranoid. Anyway according to Carlisle when they drink blood it is metabolized into venom which acts like all of our fluids, they hold the same properties but not quite. It is honestly all over my head and I kind of just nodded along.

Still, isn't that something. Edward needs to be willing, he needs to play a part and choose his own death. I need to ask him to do this. I need to ask him to give up his life and mine so that we can make Vampires killable. They won't be human, they won't be mortal, but they won't be undefeatable either. They can be killed, humans can fight for themselves. The world can change and go back to normal. That was what he was doing last night, trying to sow the seeds for peace, after this prophecy comes true there is no doubt humans will seek retaliation and by acting now he is in a good light, making peace with weak and defenseless before they become the strong ones again.

I bet Alice was behind that too.

And as Carlisle sat there explaining this to me all my attention was on Blue. She is really cute when she's not screaming; she was trying to walk around the room while making silly faces, and I knew I had to do it. I had to find a way to make the world better for this little girl. For all the little kids.

I need to save Renee, and Dad and Phil, and Leah. The wolves can't possibly take on all the vamps on their own. Every day they are out there protecting the people I love, and now it is my turn to protect them.

I wasn't really looking forward to gray hairs anyway,

Bella


	18. Awe

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt: _Awe  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: M_

* * *

**_March 5, 2009_**

_Daria,_

I am still here. Same town, same room, same housekeeper and same state of confusion.

Okay, well maybe that last one was a lie. Slowly the world is starting to make sense, slowly I understand the way the nonsense in Justin's dad's books was not actually nonsense. Carlisle has had Blue on antibiotics and she is getting so much better. Sometime she looks out the door or starts crying, but I think she has finally accepted that her life is with me right now. I have to admit that the more time I spend with her the more thankful I am to Edward for leaving me. Although what will happen can't be helped at least he tried to give me this. This little girl, a normal future, I never wanted it, I was so quick to write it off but how could I at seventeen make that decision. Even six months ago I would never consider myself prepared to take care of another human being and I have had Blue for less than a month but I could not imagine her not being in my life. Lately she has this taken to running up to me laughing at me then running in the opposite direction. She also likes it when I make faces at her, and I know that she loves me because when I sing to her it seems to calm her down.

How the hell could I not want to be a part of something as magical as motherhood?

I mean I haven't known her for long. I barely know her, but she is just so open, so loving, it is amazing knowing that there is one person in the world who loves you unconditionally. I mean it's a pain in the ass, when she's sick, and in those moments when I can't figure out what the hell she wants but I want to make her better because it hurts me to hear her cry. Unless she is just being a baby. It is so weird to know that I can now know the difference.

Carlisle stops by every day, and the last time he came he brought me a bag full of food; which is amazing because I really hate leaving her with Ms Bessler, for too long. Last night I went to the meeting and tried to talk with the people and tell them of my history with the Cullen's. I testified to all the good they have done in the past and how they have helped Blue since we have been camping here, I think it worked for the most part. For some reason my testimony made them trust me a little less and Carlisle a little more. The man who helped me last week came up to me afterwards and asked why I said the things I did and I told him it was because I genuinely loved his family and that they were good people. He didn't seem to like my assertion that the Cullen's were people and that is just too damn bad.

People are fucking people. I don't care if you are good, bad, alive, dead, or something in between. It isn't fair to say that just because you are not someone who falls under the traditional definition of human: beating heart, pulse, conscious, and feelings, blood; that you aren't a person. I mean everyone comes in all shapes and sizes and once upon a time the only people actually considered people of any worth were white men who had a shitload of land. Slaves and women were second class citizens, no one gave a shit what they thought. If we don't take the time to tackle these prejudices there will never be an end to racism and discrimination. The sad part is that it is not that complicated. A person is a person is a person. You can't be half a person or an almost person. We are all just people.

But… Speaking of untraditional people, Jake called me today. They are being pummeled, left and right, boys are changing at a much younger age and Billy is really scared. He thinks that the younger boys might start changing if any more vampires begin to live in the area and their bodies might not be able to handle the change. It is not fair. The world is shit and these little boys who have it in them to become protectors of the people might not have a chance to even reach puberty.

I have never before felt so guilty.

The past week I am here at Carlisle's bequest so he can tie up loose ends and then send me straight to Edward. And I have been more than happy to have the time to get to know Blue. To make sure she is safe and happy and just getting the time to get to know her. Even now as I remember the conversation that I had with Jake I can hear her laughing at the television and somehow I know everything will be okay. This little girl has so much love inside of her, and makes me feel so much that I thought I had forgotten, I am in awe of her.

Hopefully Carlisle will come again tomorrow. He really needs to come again tomorrow or I might have to continue along this journey with Blue alone. I don't want to, having the support and protection of the Cullen's means a lot, and knowing that someone will be there for Blue after I pass, well that would be everything. I suppose I will have to leave her to the care of a couple, or maybe there will be another nice old lady like Ms. Bessler that can take her in. Still, I wish I didn't have to do this alone. I wish I could go back in time. I wish, I want, I need, but I can't do anything about anything in the past. The only thing I can do now is prevent the regrets I think I will have in the future, like not stopping the vampires sooner and having more children like Blue become orphaned. More needless deaths like Jessica and Justin. A normal childhood for the members of the pack. And even a return to the normal life for the Cullen's, who have only ever tried to help and repay the debt that their kind has made.

I can't even think about Charlie or Renee right now. Listening to their voicemails earlier made me cry. Thinking about it now is even making me cry, they are so scared for me, and I can't tell them anything and I can't call them because I won't be able to hang up the phone. So all I can do is hope they call me so I can continue to torture myself by listening to their voices, and writing down all the love I have for them. How they made me who I am and maybe one day they will understand. That I don't want to but I need to do this. For the future, for the past, for the world to be right again.

When you read this know that I love you,

Bella

_P.S. After I finished writing this I sat on the bed with Blue and she came and rested her head on my heart, twenty minutes later she was sound asleep. Mom and Dad, I don't know if I ever told you I loved you enough, but I can't imagine you didn't know because I have no doubt that Blue loves me. And Blue, god, if you are ever able to read this one day and that means the Cullen's saved me and helped raise you then know that you are the only brightness in my day. You are the hope I have for the world, and suddenly the reason I do everything I do. You have given me the strength I need to do this, and trust me that is a hell of a lot of strength because nothing less could convince me to leave you after just meeting you. _

_I love you all. _


	19. Languid

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt: Languid_  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: M_

* * *

**_March 6, 2009_**

_Daria,_

Ever since last night all I want to do is write down these long elaborate goodbye letters to everyone I know, but that is kind of morbid right? I mean it is only an extreme likeliness that I will die but it is not a hundred percent definite, from what Carlisle told me there is no reason why I should die, still what the prophecy said has me wondering. I just… I want to tell everyone how much I love them. I want to tell them everything they have meant to me, how I would never be the person I am without them, but how many people can I tell this too? Wouldn't I be leaving out so many people trying to name individual names and yet a general I love you feels so weak?

Still, it is nice having the time to think about this. It is nice having moments to myself when I don't have to worry about anything because I know I am heading in the right direction. That's all thanks to Carlisle too. This morning he showed up at the room and gave Blue her last treatment. With him he brought two special guests that I was happy to see, well I was happy to see one of them. Alice bounced into the room, smiling and laughing, falling instantly in love with Blue. Can I say I am a little happy that Blue wasn't instantaneously in love with her, in fact I think she was a little scared. Rosalie on the other hand, I don't think I have ever seen her look so wanting? She longed to reach out and hold my baby girl but she held herself back. I think it might be the first time I ever truly felt sorry for her and yet holding Blue out to her would be to awkward so I just hoped that somehow she would telepathically pick up on the 'go ahead, I won't bite' vibes. I don't think she did.

Ever since they came to my room this morning we have been in the back of this stupid, and by stupid I mean luxurious and spacious car. I mean for twelve hours straight, except for the five damn minutes they allow me out to pee. And while they let me out to pee they escort me to and from the bathroom. I change Blue, I feed Blue, I sing, I dance, I tell stupid stories and keep her fucking entertained all inside the car. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep an eighteen month old entertained when she isn't allowed to move? I mean moving, walking, running and hiding are practically the only things she has loved to do since she has gotten better. And I am exhausted. Truly, so naturally when she fell asleep an hour ago, I did too.

Thank god I only fell asleep for a half an hour so I still have time to write to you Daria. I feel like I am leaving you behind me, like now I am too busy to share my thoughts or even have thoughts, but god do I love writing in you. It is the only place I can write down exactly what I am feeling and thinking. I can be completely selfish when relating the day's events to you. I don't have to worry about offending you or complaining about the fact that I have to kill your brother to you. Okay well maybe they have a right to not want to listen to me talk about that and to be honest I don't talk about it. And they don't mention it. We are all perfectly blissful in our ignorance.

Except we are not really, sometimes I find that I have the oddest urge just to shout out I am going to kill your fucking brother and make it possible for everyone to kill you just to see what their reaction will be. Sometimes I get really close and I think I see Alice's lips twitch so maybe she knows what will happen. I just wish she would share. Rose would probably rip off my fucking head. She and Edward have never really got along but from what I have learned about her in these past few weeks I can tell that she would do anything for her family and I know that this can't be easy. Half of me wonders how Alice was able to get her down here. I kind of want to ask her or ask Alice but I just… I feel like somehow doing this will break down the walls that are the only things keeping reality from suffocating us. Acknowledging what is happening might completely destroy the precious equilibrium we have established.

Still…

Actually nope not going to go there, I want to enjoy the gentleness of the road. The calmness of knowing that I am being taken care of; that I can relax and I am still getting to Volterra on time. Though it is kind of freaking me out a little bit, you know knowing that I will see Edward again so soon. I mean, I will have to talk to him, and see him, and touch him, and drink from him, but what does that even mean? I mean who is he now, is he still my Edward? The man that I loved as a teenager is he still odd but smiling, can he still tease me and laugh at my eternal lack of grace and poise? Or was what Rose told me true? Did they really break him, has he become a blood drinker already? I mean I know he was once before, but can he truly live like that again after me? After loving something human can he truly think of them as nothing but food? I feel bad doubting him, but I know that I shouldn't be naïve enough to think he is the same person. How has he survived the Romanian attacks? Are the other vampires with him? Just that thought makes my heart race a little faster; will he be able to stop them from killing me? How weak is he?

Alice takes her hand and places it on my knee. I don't know how she was able to know what I was feeling but it is nice to be comforted again. It is nice to remember that she is my friend despite all that has and will happen. I truly loved this girl and she loved me. That love might not be the simple ties that bound us together as friends and future sister-in-laws when the road before us was smoother but now it is stronger, I know she is there and I cannot help but reach out to her with my whole heart and thank her for everything. Whatever reasons she had to avoid me while I was with the Cullens' last time doesn't matter; it doesn't even matter if she agrees with me or hates me for it. All that matters is that she is here with me and I know, I know she will accept the impossible request I will ask of her when the time comes because that is what families do.

However I must try and take advantage of these last few peaceful minutes while Blue is sleeping.

Goodnight,

Bella


	20. Vibrant

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt:_ Vibrant  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: M_

* * *

**_March 8, 2009_**

_Daria,_

We arrived in Volterra today. I feel like it has been forever since I have felt the sun on my skin. The warmth was brilliant. I left Blue with Rose and Alice; it feels really weird not having her with me. She is like the other half of my body, and I won't even go into how long it took me to say goodbye to her. I kept hugging and kissing her and loving her but all I really wanted was to get back in the car and hope for more time. Naturally all Blue wanted to do was run as soon as she saw open spaces. I don't think she really understood that I was saying goodbye to her, I think it is better that she not be able to understand but then again her being able to understand means that she won't remember and then she won't remember me and I don't like that.

But I can't dwell on that, I need to only think about moving forward and that what I am doing will make the world a better place for her. Plus, how selfish is it for me to be upset that she won't remember me when she won't remember her own mother either?

After I was finally able to tear myself away from Blue, Alice took my hand and led me through the strange tangled mess that Volterra had become. I turned and looked back at Blue standing there with Rosalie; her laughter echoed out in the distance and put a smile on my face as I tried to take in the mixture of beauty and destruction of the city. Everything seemed to shine, or sparkle you could say, the colors were alive and no matter where I turned my head I was reminded that I was, in fact, in a place where I was the minority. This is a city where the vampires rule, the city where the war was fought and where the rebels won.

Alice either ignored my wandering mind or didn't notice. I noticed her though, everything about her was tense, so far away from the normal playful Alice, and she jumped at every sound always making sure that I was linked to her in some way.

Then I saw him. He was here and he was real. I wanted nothing more in the world then to run up to him and throw my arms around him, feeling his cold body against mine, breathing in his sweet smell, running my fingers through his hair. It was just… Edward, you know?

I probably would have if Alice didn't pull me back. Her hand was a vice-like grip around me arm holding me back and she must have talked to Edward through their super secret vampire ways because as soon as she let go he stepped outside with her leaving me all alone in the hole of a room. The walls are crumbling down, there is no electricity and I doubt there is even running water. There are no luxuries that Edward previously enjoyed no records, CD's or even a piano. In fact when we got here he was just standing on the ledge. If it were anyone else I would be scared they would jump but he didn't move and didn't look. It took my gasp for him to finally turn around and then I saw his eyes, as black as the darkest night sky. If it were anyone else I would say they were soulless but my Edward can't be soulless. I refuse to believe it.

Then I was sitting on the floor facing the balcony. The spring sun was setting I remembered what Edward said about Twilight all those years ago. How young were we both? In the throes of young love ready to meet the world with all its obstacles and so sure our love would overcome everything. Then he did the impossible and left me, giving me the ability to have a happy and fulfilling life without him, a fulfilling life with a husband to grow old with me, a child to love. Now I laugh a little, I have Blue who I love with my whole heart. And Edward, as impossible as it seems, has grown older. Almost nothing about him reminds me of the boy I loved.

After Alice came inside Edward and I just stared at one another. I was nervous and unsure, apparently my need to tackle him before wasn't a good idea judging by Alice's reaction so I thought he needed to make the first move. I just sat down waiting for him to do something. I would have written in you but I didn't want to abuse your pages with my shaky hands so I just sat there waiting for him and he just stared at me. The stare that penetrated beneath everything, I felt like I was back in high school biology and he hated me. I thought he wanted nothing more than my death. Remembering that made me remember everything else, the slowness of our courtship, the almost impossibility of us ever actually getting together because I was too damn shy and he was so fucking self-sacrificing. Conversations about superheroes and always getting the run around. Him saving my life. Then those few blissful moments between Prom and my birthday. Summer will always be my favorite month because of him.

The hikes through the meadow, the open flowers, soft kisses, constant laughter, baseball games and holding hands while reading to one another. It seems like a montage from a lifetime movie but it was real and I never realized how much I held those memories close to heart but soon enough I began smiling and laughing as the images I locked away for so long became picture clear as if it just happened yesterday.

He was still staring at me but the cold edge to his stare was no longer there. Instead he was appraising me as if he was trying to remember. Trying to decide why I was here. I hope Alice explained about the prophecy, I don't even know if I could anymore, how can I tell him that I need to kill him? Would he think that I came all this way because I wanted him dead? Does he think I will enjoy it? I needed him to know that that wasn't the case. So slowly carefully I crawled across the short distance moving so painfully slow, always giving him an out but soon enough I was in front of him and my hands touched either sides of his face. And I froze. I couldn't go any further, I wanted to kiss him but something in me wouldn't let me make that final move. He needed to tilt his head just that fraction. That smallest amount, to connect us, to let our lips brush and give me all the reassurance I needed.

Only he didn't. Before I knew it I was sitting alone, and he was back on the ledge again. He needed to go he said. And I think I know what he meant, he needed to hunt, only he left over twelve hours ago and the light of dawn is coming in through the windows and my eyelids are drooping. Hopefully he will be here when I wake.

Praying for a miracle,

Bella


	21. Lithe

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt:_ Lithe  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: M_

* * *

_**March, 9, 2009**_

_Dariaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,_

Edward keeps trying to steal you from me and he is trying his hardest but don't worry I will never let you go. You are my one true love Daria, you hear that my _one true love_.

But in all seriousness I am gloriously happy and achy and just good. Like really good.

When I woke up this morning Edward was in bed with me and he was staring at me but not in a creepy way, I mean it is more like the quiet way that I stare at Blue, just filled with love.

God, can I say that enough times? EDWARD LOVES ME. EDWARD LOVES ME. EDWARD LOVES ME.

I could write it a million more times if I thought it wouldn't tire out my hands and I have so many things to tell you. Like the fact that Edward loves me, oh wait I told you that already didn't I. I mean I came here knowing that he loved me but I mean the entire point of writing you was to get over him so maybe I thought he loved me like that. Like I always knew he would be a part of me but I wanted to move on from him and maybe he felt that same way. But now I know it is not true. Now I know that he loves. I mean god, does he love me.

I woke up this morning and he was there, being all adorable and apologizing for leaving me last night. Then he started tracing the new scar on my shoulder then kissed the burn mark on my hand, he went on touching everything about me that has changed; memorizing the new body that time has given me. He admired me, every time he looked at me I felt wanted, the change between us happened so fast I was lost in it. I couldn't breathe I wanted him everywhere, on my, in me. I might have begged a little but he was so easily persuaded, it made me wonder if Alice told him what had to happen but I quickly banished the thought from my mind. Everything about that moment was perfect.

He was perfect, and god……..I wanted it to last forever.

I didn't, well, I didn't scream to the bloody heavens but I felt him and I was his first, (I mean I had to be he was over in like three seconds) and his second, and his third. He didn't lose control, there was a moment when he thought he might but it was a false alarm. He took a deep breath and stilled himself, then smiled and gave me a kiss on the lips, which I turned in to a deep kiss, which got him moving again. If only we tried this during high school he could have known and I so would have taken advantage.

I think I started to take advantage this time because I wouldn't part with him for anything and when my lips started shivering from the cold he wrapped me in the warm blankets and took me outside to sit on the porch. We sat there for a few seconds until I realized that he wasn't touching me so I laid my head on his shoulder and he jumped and I think in that second he was genuinely frightened of me.

Laughter started to bubble in my mouth.

I might have snorted.

Edward looked at me with this just face of adorable confusion and then I lost it. Tears were in my eyes, out of my mouth came the most unladylike sounds in the world, I hiccupped and goddamn I was a wreck. But it felt so good. I am sure Edward thought I was crazy but it is true laughter really is contagious and soon enough he caught on. And there we were the vampire and his lover sitting out in the sunlight in the middle of the day in the middle of a war laughing till we were blue in the face.

God, I want to live in a moment in that bubble forever.

The rest of the day has been spent in equally brilliant bliss. We kissed, we touched. My body shaped itself around his, always touching. He asked me all these questions, I told him about college what it was like, stupid stories about my professors and how one time Kayla, Brenda and Danielle were able to get me to down two tequila shots then get up on stage and sing I Will Survive with them. I told him how I ended up choosing my major and the months I spent during the summers exploring the world around me in small car trips.

I told him that the same friends also managed to convince me to walk in a fundraising event for their Theatre fashion show and how I was able to walk in six inch heels. He didn't believe I could be capable of such grace so I disconnected from him for a second and picked up a random book in his room. Then I proceeded to walk in a straight line balancing the book on my head and all went well until the stupid turn. The book fell on my foot, and I immediately cursed like a fucking banshee but before I knew it I was in Edwards arms back on the bed and he was holding my foot, inspecting it for any hurt.

Want me to kiss it and make it better, he asked. Dear god, I swooned.

And then he kissed up my feet and his cold lips tickled me. I started giggling and he caught them but tried his best to look serious and seductive, by the time he got to the sensitive part right under my knee I was biting my lips to hold back the giggles and apparently this turns Edward on or something because he grunted and rolled over and I let loose. Laughing, I rolled over on top of him and started teasing him by doing what he was doing to me and then somehow the silly became serious. It grew quiet and I took the time to show him how much I loved him, how much I missed him, how good this could be if we decided to go slow…. And god damn it was good.

I don't even think I can put into words what happened between Edward and I this last time. It was like we were being fused together and I couldn't remember where he stopped and I began. He laid his head on my forehead and just stared at me, I know it sounds corny as hell and trust me I cringe as I write it but it felt as if he was staring into my damn soul. He just… I can't put words to it. How did I actually think I would get over him?

Now he is sitting across from me watching me right in you and he is shamelessly not trying to hide his curiosity about the things I tell you. He has tried everything to get me to give you to him but I refuse. You are my thoughts and my sanity and some of the things I said about him might not be the friendliest things in the world. So no, no matter how hard he tries trust me I will never let him read you. Plus I mean I don't want him to doubt my feelings right before we do this. Is it selfish if I want his last memories to be like this?

Perfectly Blissful,

Bella


	22. Rapacious

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt:_ _Rapacious_  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella / Edward  
_Rating: M_

* * *

_**March 10, 2009**_

_Daria, _

Sometime there aren't any words, life is just too much to handle and your brain is the first thing to go. Sometimes there are a million words, too much to say, last thoughts, silly memories, promises of forever, things you always wanted to say but thought you would have forever left to explain. Today was kind of like that; right now is kind of like that.

I almost chickened out.

I still might.

I suppose that is why I am writing in you now. I told Edward I needed a minute and ran outside clutching you, as if his presence was suffocating me. I should be in there now, telling him everything, telling him that I love him, that I don't want to do this, that I thought about him every day, that as much as I tried I could never not love him; but he doesn't want to hear it. He will think I am bargaining with him again, because Daria I am ashamed to say but I did try bargaining with him. I tried to convince him to take Blue and I and run away together. It is ridiculous right? I mean for weeks all you have heard out of my mouth was how much I needed to do this, but it is so much easier said than done. When I think of the pack back home I am ready and when I think of Justin, and Jessica, and Blues parents I swear I will do what is necessary. I will do what I need to do to make the world right. Then I see Edward. Then I hear Edward laugh. Then he kisses me and holds me tight and I pretend like it isn't really going to happen.

Even today while we were out walking around looking for a dagger for me to be able to kill him with it didn't seem real. It didn't seem like it was happening now. It didn't seem like his life was going to end at my hands in a few hours. We were walking down the street holding hands on a sunny day, telling jokes, whispering, hiding in corners to sneak kisses, we were inside my dream. A delirious daydream which I never thought could come true, yet it happened, I can still feel the slight sunburn on the tip of my nose to prove it.

Am I a horrible person? I feel like a horrible person right now?

Edward is amazing though, he has never budged. He said that the way he sees it the only reason he has had the past two days with me was so that this could happen. He said he thought he got the better deal. I laughed and teased him told him he was eternally damned to be corny, then he said not for long and shit got real. Like it was really happening. Right now. And it probably would be in this second if I wasn't out here writing to you.

I only have one thing I want to do next: the next time I write in you Edward will most likely be dead and even though he will never read this I need to use some of your space to write to him. It is silly and sentimental, but amuse me, or let me amuse myself I should say.

_Dear Edward,_

_You are the most amazing person I have ever met. And I say this now, with the benefit of time that has allowed me to look back on our relationship and see your flaws: I am completely, desperately in love with you and it is so much more than it ever was when I was seventeen. _

_What I feel for you now is so much more than the silly romantic infatuation that I had felt before. _

_I am sorry for saying that. I don't mean to trivialize what we had, there was always something deeper something true there between us and I believe that it will still be there after death. I just meant that I didn't know myself before and I barely knew you, our love was everything, it was like the wind in a spring storm, constant, dizzying, terrifying, electric. You overwhelmed me and I believe I overwhelmed you too. But then our love ended, as all first loves must and yet you were still always with me. _

_It wasn't the same of course; how could it be? You weren't there and I resented you for ending it, so I tried my best to move on. I had other men, I loved other men. None came close to you but I can't discredit what they meant to me, nor do you deserve to be lied to; even in a letter that your eyes will never see. But you were always there with me. Our love lasted; it died down from the electric spring storm to a nice breeze on a warm summer day. Some days I resented you, other days I thought warmly, and Edward, oh Edward, some days I longed for you. Those days were the worst, my heart which I thought was healed would break open at the smallest hint of you and I would pray and scream and plead with god if I saw you. _

_But I think you knew all that, because I know you love me. I know that you were feeling the same pain I was, if anything your pain is worse because sleep is a reprieve not available to you and my mind could easily be distracted while yours could not. What I want to tell you is everything, I want to tell you everything you missed, everything we can have. Everything that fate is taking away from us; I want you to know about Blue. I want you to know that I sliced my hand open opening a can of tuna while I was drunk and needed six stitches. I want you to know that every time I see a silver Volvo I think of you. I want you to know that it is your voice that I hear in my head when I am doing something that I know I shouldn't be doing. I want you to know that yours are the lips I imagined kissing me when I went to sleep every night and it was your eyes I saw in those seconds between dreaming and waking every morning. _

_These past two days with you showed me why I believed in love, I admit I might have been a bit of a cynic lately. But then you were there and god don't tell me I sound like a bad romance novel, because I don't know what else to say because it is so true. I mean I saw you and then I don't know it was like I was seventeen again, some little piece of me I had locked away forever came back and then you left again. And I was pissed, and scared and worried. Then I woke up and you were there and we laughed and smiled and you tickled me and I felt so at peace and then we made love._

_Oh god I am happy that I didn't go the rest of my life without making love to you._

_I feel like everything I am writing is stuff you know, stuff you would feel too. See, this is why I always told you, you didn't need to read my mind; it is all obvious when I look at you. The same way your love for me is apparent when you look at me._

_I want to write, more just so this letter can last forever but that is stupid and mean and selfish. You probably wouldn't even let me if I tried, always so noble, always so self sacrificing. Or maybe you just wanted to taste my blood again? Too soon?_

_Just remember that I love you and I will see you soon._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

Okay, I can't believe I used up that much space to write practically nothing, but it gave me strength. Well, no it didn't but it did make me accept that I need to do this. Well, not accept but not hate it. Shit now I am talking myself out of it, maybe all the letter did was give me closure, but that is something right?

Bella

* * *

Okay Rapacious might be the hardest prompt to write. And well I had to look it up so I will give you the definition I found on Webster Online:

Main Entry: **ra·pa·cious**

Pronunciation: \rə-ˈpā-shəs\

Function: _adjective_

Etymology: Latin _rapac-, rapax,_ from _rapere_ to seize — more at rapid

Date: 1651

**1** **:** excessively grasping or covetous  
**2** **:** living on prey

I might finish this, I really might. And I want to thank you all for reading this, and leaving all your wonderful reviews. You are the most amazing people in the world

-- Rachel


	23. Bitter

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt:_ Bitter  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: M_

* * *

_**March 11, 2009**_

_Daria, _

I did it. I killed him.

Too tired, need sleep, tell you tomorrow.

Bella

* * *

_**March 12, 2009**_

_Daria,_

My body is still exhausted, but I am hoping that by relaying what happened it might make it easier to sleep. No matter how exhausted I am I always see him, his body falling to the floor and his eyes staring up at me, then I wake up only to fall asleep again minutes later and have the cycle repeat itself.

So here it goes:

I walked inside and sat down. I might have cried for a second. Kissed him what I thought would be the last time. He smiled, touched his forehead to mine, took my hand in his brought it up to his mouth and bit. It was painful.

Then he stopped. Then he started again and the pain faded. I was weak and dizzy. He brought his mouth up to his own wrist and tore at the skin. When he brought his wrist to my mouth I drank from him. It was sweet, somehow it gave me strength. I stopped and then we looked at each other. We stood there, said goodbye, he went to get the blade that was lying on the table and gave it to me. It was too heavy. I was still weak. He gave it to me but didn't let go. His hands covered mine as we turned the blade against him and shoved it in his chest. For a second I thought it didn't work. The blade went in but nothing happened. When I pulled it out he fell to the floor. Blood and venom came out. It wasn't immediate him dying. It took a little time. Not enough time to say goodbye, but enough time to kiss him and tell him I loved him again. Then it was over, his eyes stayed open staring at me while he ceased to exist.

Just like that history was changed.

Maybe this will help me sleep, I can't stay awake a second longer.

Night,

Bella

_**

* * *

**_

_**March 13, 2009**_

_Daria,_

I apologize for the cold clinical account yesterday but I think it helped me get a decent night's sleep, or at least a little bit deeper. Maybe it was just taking the energy to keep my eyes open to write in you that made the difference, whatever it was I am thankful for it.

When I woke up this morning and realized I would be awake for more than a short time I turned on the TV, curious to see how exactly the change had taken place only to find nothing.

It meant nothing.

The news was still filled with images of the vampires terrorizing; names of the identified dead were still shown along the ticker roll. As soon as the blade went through his body, I turned on the TV waiting for a sign. I don't know what I was waiting for but nothing happened. I mean maybe they would have all been lit on fire, or maybe they just dropped back dead, or maybe they would have suddenly aged really fast and their bones turn into dust. Okay, maybe I got all those ideas in the movies. But seriously nothing.

My whole body was crawling, anxious for something to happen. I mean something was supposed to happen. Did I just kill him for nothing? Did I let him drink from me, did I let him attach his mouth to my wrist, and experience the most painful thing I have ever known, for nothing? I felt his venom filling my blood stream, he almost didn't stop; he just kept drinking. It was only when he stopped that I realized I was screaming. But almost immediately after his lips were against mine once more, but instead of the pain increasing it slowly stopped.

Then it was my turn, I was weak and could barely do anything, Edward tore at his own flesh and let me drink from him. I don't know why drinking the venom didn't change me, I don't understand the mechanics of this at all; I just know that I drank the same way he did. It tasted the way he smelt, that super sweet smell that kind of intoxicated me when his breath was so close to mine, or even just the smell of him when I laid in his arms.

I couldn't stop drinking; his venom gave me a momentary burst of strength. Then I was in his arms and he was holding me and I was holding him. There was no kiss, no goodbye; we had our goodbye earlier. No words; words would have made us weak. We just stood there, our foreheads touching, breathe mingling, heat exchanging; and somehow it was enough just feeling him there. I don't know how he found the strength, but he left me to go to the table and bring back the dagger.

It was so small. So small, yet deadly and I couldn't hold it on my own. I couldn't do this to him. We had to do it together. I made him take part in his own death, it is selfish and evil of me but I just couldn't…

He put the dagger in my hand and wrapped his hand over mine then we took a breath and shoved it in his chest. That was supposed to be it. It was suppose to be over but he was still there, still with me. Maybe it didn't work, maybe he couldn't die. I was so overcome with hope that I pulled out the dagger and that is when it happened. I don't know what I was expecting I mean vampires don't have blood right? But after the prophecy maybe he did.

I don't know it doesn't even matter anymore. When I pulled the dagger out of Edward a mixture of blood and venom came out of him. My blood, it had to be. I looked at it for a second, fascinated by the fact that they didn't mix, the two didn't combine to become a pinkish color, and the blood was still blood and the venom, venom. They were just there next to each other. I was so entranced by the combination that it took me a full half a minute to realize Edward had fallen to the floor. He was still bleeding, his was actually breathing, he couldn't breathe or catch his breath and then I knew it worked, Edward was dying and I was next. I held him close, I kissed him, I whispered that I love him, and I just sat there with him.

I watched him die.

I held him.

I killed him.

I was waiting for my turn. I still am waiting for my turn. Why haven't I died yet?

I WANT TO DIE.

I WANT TO DIE.

I just don't want his death to be for nothing. I mean I keep watching the news and clip after clip is exactly as it was a week ago. How could this happen? I mean the prophecy worked. He died. Maybe it's me, maybe I need to die too for it to work but I don't want to take my own life if that is not what is suppose to happen.

"_The one who loves and is loved back by a blood drinker is doomed to a life where he and she no longer exist, when the final barrier is broken, they both can perish and the rest will follow"_

I can no longer exist. The final barrier was broken. He perished, so I need to perish and the rest will follow. I am going out of my mind. I need someone. I need Edward. I need Carlisle. I need Alice. I need Justin and I need Blue. I need someone here. I need someone to hold me and tell me what I did was okay. I need someone to tell me what is next. I don't care if I am being greedy. I just need, that is the only thing filling my body right now; I feel like an empty hole and I need something to fill me up; someone to stop me from plunging the dagger through my own heart.

I don't even feel like there is anything more to say. And yet, I can't stop writing.

Bella


	24. Alone

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt: _Alone  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: M_

* * *

_**March 14, 2009**_

_Daria, _

I need to write before I lose the scattered thoughts I just barely managed to connect.

I dreamt that Alice and Carlisle were here and they brought Blue with them. During the dream they explained to me exactly what was going to happen and what I needed to do, but I ignored most of what they were saying and played with Blue. Then I chased her and she ended up running outside where hundreds of news crews were standing together. I lost her for a second and then she raced outside and I followed her laughing and the entire time I was thinking why the hell is she running so fast and then I caught up to her. We were standing together in the middle of the ring of news crews and she was smiling and laughing, she held her arms up to me like she wanted to be picked up and then she pointed behind me. I turned around and there was Edward standing with the dagger in his heart with blood dripping out of his chest. Blue giggled and laughed and flash lights went off.

I woke up screaming.

Now I know what I have to do. I know what I have been missing. All that the ceremony did was make it possible so that Vampires could die; killing Edward ensured that everyone else could die because of their connection. Now I have to show everyone how to fight back. I have to make people understand what can happen, that they can take control of their lives back.

I just need to find a way to let a lot of people see. I need television and internet.

It looks like I have a lot of work to do tomorrow.

Bella

* * *

_**March 15, 2009**_

_Daria,_

It is impossible to get hold of any agency in this world right now. Maybe my time with Carlisle then Edward has managed to isolate me from the outside world. I mean, I have always been alone right. Or just with Justin, I have been so stuck inside of my own head trying to figure this out that I have never been able to see the chaos that this world has become. There is no way to get an entire news crew here, much less give people access to televisions or radio or anything. I want to find a way to broadcast the murder. I want people to know that they can fight back. I don't think I will survive, but if I can surprise them. If I can offer myself up as bait then I can surprise them with a dagger to the heart while they are feeding. I have already been bitten; maybe the shock won't jar me too much. Not maybe, it can't. I cannot allow myself to be distracted this is my one chance.

I need to stop sounding so hopeless. I won't let Edward die in vain. I will find a way to do this.

I will.

-Bella

* * *

_**March 16, 2009**_

_Daria, _

I need someone to video record it. Just one person and I, plus then it will be easier for me to lure the vamp there. Not like they have been too picky maybe a news crew would only entice them, but I can't take the chance. The only iffy thing is that there is nothing to stop the vampire from killing the witness.

So far I only have one real option left: The person recording me has to be a Cullen.

I wonder if they will go for it. I have been sitting here opening and closing the phone. I let the highlight fade, then press another button to watch it brighten again. I should call I really should. Then I scroll down a little more and I see Charlie Dad's number and I want to hit the number. I really want to hear his voice, to tell me everything is okay. To hear him laugh or say how confused he is. I can almost hear him saying_ Bella you won't believe it but there are these boys transforming into wolves out here._ I want to hear a voice that sounds like home.

Then I move the scroll again and I look at Jakes number. And I almost bring myself to dial out. To tell him what is going on because he might be the only one to understand, he might not talk me out of it. But what if he is near Dad when I call? What if that hurts Charlie? I can't do that.

Leah, oh god, but I can't not with everything she is going through.

Then my last number is Renee and wow that number is calling to me. The stupid numbers are pulsing in the stupid bright blue color and it is taunting me. I need to call her and hear her frantic worries but getting off the phone with her and trying to console her might break me. I just can't remember the last time I heard her voice. I am torn with the need to say goodbye and the need for her last memory of me to be while everything is absolutely nothing.

In the end I am a coward and don't call anyone including the Cullen's. I tell myself tomorrow, I just need one more day to figure this out. One more day.

-Bella

* * *

_**March 17, 2009**_

_Daria,_

I called Alice this morning. And within two hours she was here. A small part of my wanted her to bring Blue. Okay maybe a really big part of me wanted her to come. I guess it's better she didn't come I mean I was barely able to leave her the first time. Plus Alice will be down there with me which would mean Blue would be in harm's way. I would never want that to happen. Still, I don't want her to forget me. I am going to write her a letter. Charlie, Renee, Jake, Leah, and the Cullen's they all know how much I love them. I tried to show them as best I could while I was with them. They all have memories of me, they all laughed and loved with me but Blue hasn't. Or at least she won't remember. I need to tell her. But I don't know what to say yet, tomorrow morning before Alice and I do what we are going to do I will tell her. Everything I think and want for her.

-Bella

* * *

_**March 18, 2009**_

_Daria,_

Okay. Sorry for the penmanship I am a little nervous. Right now I am going to write to Blue and then I will come back to you.

_Blue,_

_God, I wonder if that will even be your name in a few years. My dearest wish is for you to remain with someone I love. I understand that the Cullen's might not be able to take you in, if that is the case I hope they will do as I ask and bring you to Leah. _

_She might be a bitch, but she has a heart of gold and I know that within my heart of hearts she will protect you with her life right after meeting you. Well maybe after you get the smell of the Cullen's off you. _

_I want to start and tell you everything I know about your real parents, the people who gave birth to you. Having read this far in the diary I am sure you know the small details I wrote down, but I never really gave time to that moment, I was far too overwhelmed by your stunning display of vocal strength. __ your mother was absolutely beautiful; she had long blonde hair with bright blue eyes and a kind face. I know that seems impossible to know for sure, but it was kind. Your father was a sturdy man with dark black hair. I don't know what color his eyes were sorry. But they loved you. I know they did. Inside the car there were more DVD's than any one child needs, around your car seat were dozens of toys, probably to keep you quiet because you scream like crazy and inside the diaper bag there was a picture of the three of you together. If the Cullen's still have it you would find it in the corner pocket. They loved you. And I never once meant to insinuate that I was replacing them. _

_I love you too._

_I might not have given birth to you and I might not have known you for too long but I love you. I love __your__ laugh and __your__ smile. When I played with you or watched you sleep I made thousands of plans for your future, a nice normal future where you could go to college, meet a man that makes you see fireworks. Have good friends who you can tell anything too. But make sure you have those really crappy friends that always know where the party is. Don't do drugs, but if you do only do the ones that grow from the earth. Always dance, even if you look like an idiot. Always smile at cops even if you are speeding past them, trust me a smile goes a very long way. Make sure you study history and try to find that one thing you love and go after it with your whole heart. Always take advice but do not live your life by it. Find a hero, but don't emulate them. Steal, never copy. _

_Don't be scared to make mistakes they are the only things that you will learn from. Don't whisper what you want from __life;__ scream it out from the mountaintops. Always love, always give, always try and do the best you can and be the best person you can to others. I am a strong believer in karma. Find your own god. Gain as much knowledge as you can. Read the classics but remember that some of the best poetry can be found in children's rhymes or the ramblings of the man on the corner. _

_I want to tell you so much more. But really I know that whatever I tell you wouldn't be enough and yet it is also too much; you will live your life the way you see fit. Just know that I love you. I really do and I know that you will be an amazing beautiful intelligent smart courageous woman. I just wish I was there to see it. _

_Always,_

_Bella_

Daria, that was hard. I mean damn….

I don't know if there is anything else to say. Just know that I am not too scared. I've never been too religious, actually I have never really been religious at all but I firmly believe that there is peace after life. I don't know if it is heaven or the peace of ceasing to exist or re-birth but whatever it is somehow I know it will be okay. And I have the luxury of knowing that the world after me will be a better place after I am gone. I think I might be doing that stalling thing again because Alice is rushing me.

Thank you for being here with me the whole way. For listening to me complain, being my soundboard and my therapist. Everything about this is surreal but being able to write in you has made it better.

One last time,

Bella


	25. Obsession

_The Twilight Twenty-Five  
Prompt: _Obsession  
_Pen name:_ BecauseSheCan  
_Pairing: _Bella with mentions of Edward  
_Rating: M_

* * *

_**March 18, 2034**_

_Daria,_

I contemplated doing this for a long time; writing in you. I figure there can never be a better time than the twenty five year anniversary and you need an ending. I know there is an ending; I mean thousands of kids read the history of their story. They are obsessed really. Edward and Bella has become the new Romeo and Juliet, they both have tragic endings, forbidden romance, unquestionable love. Except they don't and they are not close at all. Romeo and Juliet were characters, and Romeo was constantly in and out of love, and they chose to die together rather than live separate lives apart. Bella and Edward were real people, they were constantly in love with one another and they tried living apart until they had to die together in order to allow the world as they knew it to continue. And yet when I tell that to my friends I was always told I was being cynical and unromantic.

I could always publish you. Mom gave me that choice you know, after I turned fifteen she gave me you and told me it was mine to do with what I wanted. I think she knew that I wouldn't especially after reading what Bella had written. It is too personal, some parts too honest, some parts bitter, and many parts of it would really fuck up people's perception of who Bella Swan and Edward Cullen actually were. It would make them too real and god knows that reality has no place in fairytales, kind of like how the truth has no place in politics.

But I love every word she ever wrote in you. My fingers have traced every page, they know every indentation, and I can recite my favorite lines sometimes pages by memory. I read Bella's words for hope, for someone else to understand even though my worries were nothing compared to hers, for amusement, for adventure, for peace of mind and sometimes I read them when I want to figure out who exactly I want to be. I want to be the person Bella wanted me to be. I want to be the person she was so sure I would turn out as. I want to be strong and determined and alive. Sometimes I feel like I am not alive, not the way she was, I mean she lived with her whole heart and I don't. I try to but I mean I am the age she was and I have never been in love and she managed to have this out of the world romance.

Still I am greedy for more. No one talks about her. Well, everyone talks about her; she is a legend, a goddess, a role model, but no one who knew her talks about her. Sometimes I think the Cullen's would tell me all about her but getting in touch with them would start a world war. I guess that's the problem when you are brought up by the wolves. I think they all blame the vampires for causing Bella's death.

I tried to get Mom to read the journal but she just passed it to me and told me it wasn't her place. I tried telling her everything Bella wrote about her and Jake and Seth and Nessie but she shut me up. I wonder whatever happened to the Leah that Bella knew; the wild one, the fierce one who would laugh and rage and get drunk with her. I would love to know that Leah, the only person I see when I look at my mom is a person who had been hurt too many times and is bitter. She loves me, I know she does and I love her for all she has done for me but I want to know more about who I am. I want to know more about this amazing woman who saved me.

Unfortunately the legacy of Bella Swan is just that a legacy; a myth. The reality of the people she left behind is something different. No one wants to remember her. No one wants to know her. Jake refuses to acknowledge the existence of this diary. Seth was curious once too but even he thinks it is better left alone.

Charlie is the only person who has read this diary. When he gave it back to me he hugged me so tight I couldn't breathe and thanked me before kissing my hair. He hasn't mentioned it since then and given his emotional reaction, I love him too much to ask him to tell me about his daughter. I am just happy I was able to do something to ease his pain. Although there are times I think he wants to talk to me. Sometimes he will see me tracing the letters or reading from it at a bonfire and just look at me for a while then smile. Sometimes I pretend he thinks I am her. Sitting there with my brown hair hunched in a corner reading a book. Maybe he does, maybe I can be something like her.

Maybe I already am.

Remember how I said arranging to meet the Cullen's might start a world war? Well I did. I haven't met them yet but I arranged to. I saw Alice once, when I was thirteen years old and on vacation. We were at the beach in California and I was wondering off on my own down the shore trying to balance along the rocks. And there she was, in front of me when I turned around to go back to my mom. I was scared but she smiled at me and called me Blue and told me she hasn't seen me in a while. She asked me questions and somehow Bella's name was brought up in conversation. She told me she was great friends with Bella Swan and her brother was Edward. She told me story after story, all the memories she had but I didn't know how precious those stories would be. When I was thirteen, I never knew how much of an impact Bella Swan had on my life, so I focused more on the girl before me; a real life vampire, a nice one with golden eyes who smiled a lot.

In a few hours I will leave this room. And I will leave this diary behind, maybe one day I will come back for it. I hope one day I will come back for it. But now I need to leave you here, with the people who cling to the past. I need to look towards the future and be the person who Bella wanted me to become. I need to have my own adventures and stop reading about hers.

Maybe Mom will read this. If you are, know I love you. Know that I will come back one day soon. I will never leave you truly. But more than that, if you are truly reading these words I want to tell you how proud I am of you, how much I admire your strength to face the painful memories again and open old wounds. I want you to know that they will heal, not fully but understanding why it happened, why it needed to, it will make it less tender; less raw until only a scar remains.

I love you now and forever,

Blue

* * *

_I can't believe I made the deadline. Thank you all for sticking with me for this weird insane journey. I love everyone of you for giving something like this a chance. Hopefully you have enjoyed the story, even if that might not be the right word. I guess there is nothing left to say other than this is the end._

-Rachel


End file.
